Queen of the Gypsies

It's about time

2011-06-30T20:33:00.001-07:00

It's been an embarrassingly long time since I've written anything and I have plenty of really good excuses, but now that things have slowed down (for the next 2 hours), I'll catch up. I'm officially an employed adult complete with medical benefits (that I have yet to use because I'm kind of still in disbelief that I have actual medical benefits like normal people). Other than that, I haven't really been an adult in other parts of my life. I'm never home enough to actually do anything adultish. With one exception, I'm officially in a relationship. And I'm happy about it. I actually like him. A lot. I even like being around him on a regular basis. This has never been the case before. Not sure why that didn't seem odd to me in the past that I always felt the need to be not where my boyfriends were. Anyway, it's been quite an adjustment for me internally. Being happy is foreign territory and I wasn't accepting it very willingly. I was very reluctant to being happy and being with someone else who made me happy in spite of myself. It's so much easier to be miserable and alone. Having had years and years of practice, I had grown accustom to and found a sense of comfort in my bubble of misery and solitude. This whole happy thing is way better though. And the food is better. It's taken me a long time, but it was worth the wait :::insert giant cheesy grin here:::

My heart is going to explode

2011-04-14T22:32:00.001-07:00

At work we have this super cool espresso machine. It's shiny and pretty and has buttons on it. Naturally, I must touch it and play with it and make espresso come out of it. Those tiny little cups of espresso are frustrating though. They're just so tiny! Problem solved! I've started making 4 espressos at a time in 1 cup. It's like a regular sized cup of coffee! Except for that it's not and when consumed in conjunction with half of one's body weight in jelly beans, the end result is eyelids that don't work right. They refused to close. Oh and I didn't just have the one quad espresso. No, oh no, I had two. In a row. Because I'm retarded, that's why.

#792 on the list of things to do

2011-03-31T00:10:00.000-07:00

I'm kind of an adult these days. Yay me! Two years of wallowing, baking, and bitching has finally paid off. OK, maybe not paid off. Usually, this is where I dissect every emotion to reflect on what has happened and the implications on the future, but to be honest, I just don't have the time or the energy. I'm exhausted and I'm happy about it. I'm working all the time and I have no life. I wouldn't change a thing about it right now. I had no life before either, but at least now I'm being productive. I'm exhausted. Exhausted and fairly pleased with life at the moment. It's not perfect, but I can work with this. Maybe later I'll find the time to be still and think and write about how good I feel right now. It'll have to be #793 on my list of things to do.

Slow Cooked Failure

2011-02-23T22:37:00.000-08:00

My brother got me a slow cooker for Christmas. After 3 hours at the book store, I finally found a slow cooker cookbook I thought sounded good. I went and bought a ton of groceries thinking I was going to have all these great meals for the week. I made a red curry potato thing that was decent and then after that is was a major crash and burn. I'm not sure what happened between adding everything to the pot and opening it up after the allotted time, but somehow oatmeal, meatballs, meatloaf, and brown rice all came out inedible. How? It's a slow cooker. I didn't do anything to it! I'm trying this pasta free lasagna thing, which as I write it, doesn't really sound like it's going to be successful, but I'm trying to stay optimistic about it.

February is Julia Appreciation Month

2011-01-24T19:28:00.000-08:00

Yup, that's right, Julia Appreciation Month. There's a whole blog about it (this one) and t-shirts (ok, maybe no t-shirts). What else do you need to make something official? Maybe a parade? It can be arranged. So this year is special for 5 tiny little reasons. This February, a bunch of my friends got together and made me some minions. Ok, not got together, they just all decided to go out and multiply (not with each other) in order to make me my very own mini me army. I feel so loved! I really do appreciate their efforts. The timing really is just astounding. I don't know how they all managed to do it, but I'm super excited about it. Here's the list of February/Pisces babies that I have claimed as mine! I love each of them to the moon and back even though I've yet to meet them all.

Real name/Julia name

Ava/Ava Julia

Alexander/Julian

Jacob/Julio Kim Jong-il

Aaron/Julian Chill Factor

David Daniel/J'David J'Daniel

And coming soon will be Wendel Julio S.!!

This auntie's been a very busy bee working hard to get a uniform fund going for all of you. Everyone needs to get outfitted with black stretchy pants, black hoodies, ugg boots and custom nikes.

So annoyed...

2011-01-02T17:20:00.001-08:00

I want so bad to wake up one morning and be like, yay, everything's wonderful and I'm happy and ok with everything even though it's not perfect. Yet I know that's completely ridiculous. Yet, there are other people whom I loath who seem to be doing exactly that all the time. It is so annoying! It's got to be me. There has to be something innately wrong with me that I can't fix or find. I'm still angry and frustrated, but in different ways than before. But it's still anger and frustration regardless. Maybe I need a nap. I refuse to blame it on the rain. Though I will if the inside of my car ends up mysteriously wet again when all the windows are closed.

New Year's Day 2011

2011-01-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

Wow, this is my third New Year post. I started reflecting on the past year, butI was having a hard time being positive. I've been fighting off a sinus infection for the past couple days. It's resulted in a lot of nose blowing and trouble breathing. I've been grumpy. I've decided to reconsider the reflection process until after I feel better. Since I screwed up last year and didn't make it out to the beach I felt I really needed to do it this year. Of course, I was doing I don't know what all day and didn't end up going to out to the beach until sunset. I still got a few cool pictures. It was a lovely, crisp day much like last year. It's been raining and windy, resulting in bright, cold sunny days.I zipped up my jacket and rode out to the end of the jetty and this is what I ended up with. Then I started playing with my new app and had fun doing that in the dark at the end of the jetty. It's the little things. Plus, I'm pretty sure there's been a lack of oxygen to my brain in the past few days.

Candy Maker

2011-01-02T00:03:00.000-08:00

Candy Maker I am not. First of all it requires patience. Strike one. It requires constant attention. Strike two. It requires an accurate, functioning candy thermometer. Strike three. The recipe said let it come to 300 degrees. 300 degrees + not really watching the temperature = noxious, burning mess as you can clearly see.It's a good thing my smoke detector doesn't work. To be fair, I'm sure it would work fine if I actually installed it. In my (lame) defense, the kitchen is really small and the alarm would have been really loud and obnoxious, so it's probably for the best that it wasn't installed. Besides, it's not like there was actual fire. Like the time I was using the blow torch upside down and it became a flame thrower. Short of burning down the house, this first try was a total disaster, but thankfully, I knew the potential for disaster was high, so I bought extra butter and sugar. For round two, I decided that whole 300 degrees thing was crap, so as soon as it started looking toffee colored and started smelling like toffee, I pulled it off the flame and hoped for the best. It didn't look very pretty, but it turned outdelicious. I'm tempted to make more. It wasn't really that complicated or time consuming, it more a question of timing, accuracy, and knowing what you're doing. The latter being the part I lack. But then it is the New Year, and there are resolutions to be kept...at least for a couple weeks.

Now that I have indoor plumbing, you'd think I'd use it

2010-12-14T01:37:00.000-08:00

I'm generally not too concerned about my appearance when I leave the house. I try to be presentable for the most part and comfortable and at the very least, clean. That being said, the other day, my friend invited me out for a drink on short notice. I had been to the gym about an hour earlier and was in the middle of making some cookie dough when I got his text. I didn't have time for a shower, so I just spruced up a bit, threw on a hat and took off. Usually, it's just the two of us, so I wasn't too concerned with my less than pristine state. So of course, the one time I'm totally gross and still in gym clothes (including the ever so flattering sports bra), he has with him the hottest guy I have ever met. No, seriously, he was stupid hot. And he's a fireman. WHAT?! I know!! I was so past mortified that all I could do was laugh. We ended up hanging out for a while and I gave them and their bikes a ride home. The ridiculousness of which can only be described by a picture, which I of course don't have. And because I'm me, I basically ignored the hot guy the whole night and was all chatty with my friend. My social skillz may need some work.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?

2010-11-16T12:03:00.000-08:00

Ever thought about what the world was like before mirrors? It seems so simple. A reflective surface that you can see yourself in. Oh, but how very powerful that can be. Mirrors are used in developmental research all the time. It's really rather interesting to see how babies and animals react to their own reflection. Add to that advertising, media, etc. All these industries and products directed exclusively to what we think our reflection should look like. Having grown up in a house where at least 1 out of every 4 walls in a room was completely mirrored, it never occured to me that most people don't constantly see themselves. But everyone at least looks at themselves when they're brushing their teeth or washing their hands at some point throughout the day. What did people do before advertising and mass media was around to tell us we're all fat, ugly and worthless?? How were people supposed to achieve superficial, external validation? Hello?? Yes, exactly my point. Mirrors should be used for good, not evil. What does your mirror tell you? Better question--What do you allow your mirror tell you? You better not be using it for evil. If you're reading this, your probably my friend in which case, I think you're pretty cool, therefore, you're beautiful.

Princess Wilting Flower does not do well in the heat and humidity

2010-10-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

I'm a yoga snob. I wear my Uggs to class with my fancy stretchy pants and I drink chai lattes and green tea. Yes, I'm that chick. I don't wear the scarf thing, but still, THAT chick. The difference is, yoga isn't just something I do because Madonna said it was cool. I do it beacuse I get out of it more than just a workout. I have been fortuante enough to have built my yoga foundation with awesome people who taught me to take my practice past the poses. Yoga is so much more mental for me than anything else and when I can connect physically in a really intense way, the result is an amazing workout. If I don't feel like I got hit by a truck at the end of a yoga session, then it's just not my style. It took me a long time to get to this point and it's been very personal, but I've earned it. So when I went and took hot yoga, I had high hopes for it. It was so disappointing. The whole premise is that in the heated room, you get all nice and hot and can work deeper and blah, blah, blah. Bullshit. It was total crap. It's just hot. I will make the exception for Bikram as that is a specific set of poses done in a particular order and I haven't done that yet, but otherwise, hot yoga is crap. You spend so much time being hot and uncomfortable and your body physiologically doesn't want to be that hot so it's working really hard to cool you down. That means blood is being shunted to the surface of the skin and not warming up the joints like they like to claim it does. It doesn't actually allow you built heat within joints and muscles in order to do the work necessary to get into those hard to reach places. It's feels artifical and forced in my opinon. Did I mention it was lame? It gets lamer. The class was an hour and a half long. Half of it was spent doing lame standing poses. You'd think that would include some sort of warrior series--nope. It was weird poses done in a weird order. Then the second half of the class was spent doing seated poses. Two poses would be done and then you'd lay down. Out of an hour and a half class, at least half of it was spent laying down or doing nothing. Seriously? I had such a hard time not being mad the whole time (not very yogi of me). In a way, I totally missed the whole premise of yoga with the breathing and relaxing and being in the moment stuff, but this was ridiculous! Unless of course, you like doing wussy yoga, then knock yourself out. I promise not to make fun of you.

Rawr means I love you in dinosaur

2010-10-10T13:29:00.000-07:00

I think I want to go raw. No more cooked meals, just whole foods prepared like nature intended. Or some crap like that.

OK I'm over it. It's a lot of work and I don't want to buy a dehydrator. But the desserts! The dessert whore over here (yours truly), is all about the raw food/vegan desserts. You may scoff, but with that much fat (from nuts and coconuts) how can you possibly go wrong?

The Kardashians killed cupcakes

2010-10-08T21:18:00.000-07:00

My nationwide cupcake tasting tour is officially over. I was in the valley for work and I was going to get a cup of coffee when I saw a cupcake place, so I thought, what the hell, I might as well add it to the tour. It wasn't until after I paid for them that I noticed the Kardashians were involved in these particular cupcakes. LAME! That totally ruined it for me. Then I ate the cupcakes. Nondescript, generic cupcakes. Then I felt like poo. Each time I have sugar now, I feel even more awful than the last. Then I was listening to this podcast thing about pro cyclists and the sports physiologist was talking about how the athletes are on a low gluten diet regardless of allergy because of the inflammatory process. Yeah, I know dude! Me and my knees hear you loud and clear. I think I'm over it. I haven't even felt like baking in a long time. I hope this is just temporary and my baking itch comes back in time for Thanksgiving. Itch. Ugh, the itchiness. Oh well, we'll see what happens.

Cuba Libre!

2010-10-06T22:30:00.000-07:00

My bruise from breaking into my house was shaped like Cuba. You'd think I'd learn my lesson, but you'd be wrong. The locks were changed and I have yet to replace the key I keep at Ryan's for the next time (and there will be a next time) I lock myself out of the house. We'll see what island my next bruise will look like next.

It'll be funny as soon as the bruising goes away

2010-08-13T22:52:00.001-07:00

I spoke too soon. In another well-intentioned attempt to be productive, I decided to return some stuff to IKEA. I decidedly locked my front door and walked out of my house to realize I didn't have my keys. No big deal, I do this so often that I've hidden a key at Ryan's. I'm super smart...except for when I'm not, like when I didn't put the key back last week after locking myself out then. So much for being productive and making it to IKEA before it closed. I've been breaking into my house since I was super little and have been honing my B&E skillz for years. My mom would push me through the bathroom window before I was big enough to climb up the wall myself. Clearly, this locking ones self out thing is genetic. The bathroom window shrunk a little with the remodel and is a little narrower than before, and I, the fat bridesmaid, am a little wider than before. I heaved myself up and made it past the shoulders and chest without too much trouble. Next I had to get my hips up high enough to get all the way into the window. I was upside down half in the bathroom with my legs braced against the outside wall and window trying to use my go-go gadget arms to reach something to brace my upper body with so I could get my legs in the window. At this point, the side of my hip was wedged into the window sill and I was stuck upside down. Crap. I couldn't really reach the toilet and it was at an odd angle from where I was to support me. Actually, all the angles I was at were odd at this point. My option was scrape my hip and inner thigh all along the window sill until I could reach the floor with my fingers. It's times like these that monkey arms really come in handy. I finally reached the floor, but not before almost skinning my hip and inner thigh. How both of those structures were injured on the same leg considering they're on opposite sides, I'm not sure, but it hurts and I'm sure there will be significant bruising. I finally got in the house, cleaned the stucco and dust off my pants, got my keys and went to the gym. Side note: I left an entire sweaty outfit including shoes in one of the lockers on Tuesday night. They were still there, in the same locker, untouched. I'm batting a thousand these days. Then I came home and did a load of laundry where I found Little Red! New Big Red (and Mini G) got shipped out yesterday. Awesome.

Quick, say something funny

2010-08-13T14:10:00.000-07:00

I am SO overdue for a funny story. Has my life really become that boring lately? Nothing hilarious to report, no silliness, no being goofy? What the hell is that all about? I can't think of anything in the past month that has been laugh out loud worthy. That sucks. I'll have to do something about that. I've been alone a lot lately. Again. I've been going to work, the gym (kinda), and collecting all the necessary items needed to make my bathroom a real bathroom. That ordeal is finally over. I think. The contractor's sign is still in the middle of the front lawn. I'm not too happy about that. It's been 3 months. The could have built an entire house plus landscaping in that time, but no, just a little bathroom. Less than a week after it was finished, a tile cracked and I was without a shower again for another couple days. I'm so ready to travel to developing countries. I really should go on vacation while my no-having-indoor-plumbing skillz are fresh. So I apologize for my recent lack of hilarity. It's boring for me too. An adventure is definitely in order here ASAFP! Otherwise, I'll be forced to revoke my Gypsy Queen status.

RIP Little Red

2010-08-08T00:47:00.000-07:00

Little Red is no longer with us. I'm not sure exactly sure where she is actually. I think I may have flushed her down the toilet accidentally. That's what I get for wearing jeans. Little Red was my trusty iPod. She has now joined the ranks of several of my small electronic devices that have met the same fate. I'm bummed, but I need to suck it up and replace it. I use it every day. It's one of the few things that brings me daily joy, so I'm not giving it up. Now, I just have to decide on a color (and the custom engraving) and if I need both the Shuffle and the Nano. I have good reasons for both! Seriously! No, really, I'm pretty sure I need both.

Shake and shift

2010-08-08T00:38:00.000-07:00

I've done it again! I was on point for a week, then it was Susan's bridal shower and everything went to hell. Now I'm dragging ass to get back to my healthy ways. I need to stop being so comfortable being miserable. Which brings me to this morning. It's funny how the smallest moments can sometimes have monumental consequences. I felt a small shift in energy this morning. It wasn't more than a small gentle breeze, but I felt it pass straight through my core. It made something in my brain hit pause and say, "remember this moment, it's important." I let it all simmer in the back of my head for the day. I'm not going to rush it. As a result, I've noticed I've become that person. I'm so negative lately. It's not blatently obvious. Or maybe it is, no one's told me otherwise. In any case, to me it feels like a deep under current of negativity that rises to the surface every once in a while, but it's still always there, lurking, snaking itself into everything ever so quietly. Kind of like mold. I'm moldly. That's gross, not to mention unladylike. I must put that on my list of things to do to make myself a better version of me.

100!!

2010-07-16T23:29:00.000-07:00

Check me out! I'm at 100 posts. I'm sure real bloggers scoff at that sort of thing. Well whatever bitches, this is big for me. I didn't really have anything in mind for this, I kind of just noticed that I was at 99 and was about to write about running, so I'll just go ahead with the original plan.

Lately, I've been doing my running either early in the morning at the beach or right after the sun has gone down. It went from winter to summer in two days around here, so it's super hot for most of the day now. In the mornings, I'm trying to get my workout done and over with so I don't talk myself out of it later. In the early evenings, I'm usually a grump ass by the time I get home work, so I chill for a bit, go to Ryan's to pee and then go run. I love running on the beach in the morning. I love the color of the water, the smell of the ocean, the sound of the waves, the cool dampness of the air, all of it. And added bonus, I know it's one mile from the jetty to the pier which the anal retentive must keep track of everything part of me is satiated by. There are more people on the beach in the summer than during the winter, but it's still nice and quiet for the most part. At night, I run on the bike path out to the ocean and back. That is roughly 4.5 miles I think. I should be running longer distances. You know what, fuck me and my last statement. Listen Julia, there are a lot of things you should and should not be doing. Can't you just shut up and be ok with what you ARE doing? Stop being such a pain in the ass! Sorry, had to stop and yell at myself for a second. Ok, so as I was saying--night running. I've been enjoying and even looking forward to my night runs. It's peaceful and cool and there's something about the darkness that makes it feel like it's not taking as long. It's the same reason I like doing my long drives at night. Long drives? Like I'm some kind of trucker. I've also been listening to this podcast about issues relating to food and sustainability. It's been interesting and I've been enjoying listening to that during runs. I wasn't sure how I'd feel during the run if I wasn't listening to music and it's turned out to be a nice change of pace. Literally. When I listen to podcasts during runs, I feel more relaxed, less competitive with myself. That's a good thing right now at this stage in my running game. It's keeping me from being self-deprecating about my runs.

Funktified

2010-07-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the higher the high, the deeper the crash. I've not been my best lately. It all started the day after I got home from an awesome weekend up at Lake Alamanor. I was up there visiting Sheelagh, one of my rowing friends from UCSB. We hadn't seen each other since I left Santa Barbara in 1999. It feels like several lifetimes ago. Within the last couple of years, we've reconnected and quickly picked up right where we left off. I love when that happens! I've been way over due on a visit and since they were going to be within state lines, I thought I'd seize the opportunity to meet her petite ya-ya's. I've only ever seen pictures of them, but I felt like I knew them already. And sure enough, within 30 seconds of being there, the girls wanted to show me all their hot tub swimming skillz. They were so funny! Jonah was like, I don't know who you are lady, but if you're willing to do my bidding, we cool. I was Mayzie's personal hair stylist and Addie was wheeling and dealing for M&M's. Oh the power one little bag of peanut M&M's has. We had a great time and the whole lake/cabin/everything was gorgeous. I loved all of it! And not just because it had indoor plumbing (which I still don't have). I even spent one night outside in my tent. But I put the tent in a little clearing because it was pretty and in the morning, the sun turned my tent into a sauna. That part wasn't too fun, but the s'mores for breakfast totally made up for it. I WANT A CABIN WHEN I GROW UP! It made my soul happy. Then I had to come home to my life and all the full and happy balloons that were holding up my soul popped and fell down and got pooped on by the stray cat that lives next door (who I'm pretty sure is responsible for the zillion flea bites I now have). Good feeling gone. So lately, all kinds of thoughts and feelings have been coming up that I really need to deal with. It also doesn't help that I've been exhausted. That only ever makes things worse. The good news is I've been running more which is good. Not a lot more, but it's a start and I still have a long way to go.

BOOBIES!!

2010-07-15T21:01:00.000-07:00

Did you know that tens of thousands of women get stabbed in the heart and suffer from collapsed lungs everyday because of broken underwires in their bras? Luckily, I have a very crafty friend, Lesa Joyce, who has taken on the solution to this worldwide pandemic and created The Bra-lee.

So no one is dying, but there are still plenty of annoyed ladies out there. Honestly, these patches work really well not only on the underwires in the cups, but also on the sides. They're a self-adhering patch that go over wherever the underwire is poking through and give you an extra few months out of the life of your bra. They hold up through the wash and plenty of wears. They don't show through clothes either...unless you want them to :::wink wink::: (there is a bling version that's fabulous and sparkly). They're totally worth it considering the bra is pretty much unwearable the second that underwire starts stabbing through, plus it gives you extra time to give yourself that pre-going-into-Victoria's Secret pep talk. Or maybe that's just me, but seriously, these things are pretty awesome. You can look them up two different ways if you are so inclined. Oh, and I made the original packaging, so that alone is worth picking up a pack! Please check out all the fun options at:

Bra-Lee

and also at

Etsy

Lesa Joyce and Bra-lee can also be found through Facebook.

"Sleep is the golden chain that ties health and our bodies together"

2010-07-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

Sleep. I've undervalued sleep for way too long. I stopped sleeping when I was in grad school (other than when I was in class). Since then, I haven't really been able to get back into the habit of normal sleep habits. For a while, it was totally out of control and I would go to bed around 4am. On some days, I'd make myself get up early out of guilt. No particular reason for being guilty, just in general that I was somehow going to miss something. On other days, I just didn't care. What was the point? I wasn't doing anything with my life that was of any consequence, so why bother? Those were not good days. Now, I've been forced to adhere to some type of sleep schedule and it's been a good thing. Except that I've been cheating myself out of at least an hour or two of sleep every night. Why? Don't know. Especially since I know that when I'm tired, I get sad and if I'm sad, not much gets done and then I feel worse and the cycle continues. Not to mention the tantrums and pouting. This morning, I had every intention of getting up and going to the beach for a run. Instead, I'm writing this because I only got about 5.5 hours of sleep. I'm tired and I just woke up. I don't have kids or a dog, there is no excuse! I will most likely end up trudging through my day joylessly while in a fog of some sort. I did manage to get to the store yesterday and make myself some good things for lunch so I'll feel good about that, but otherwise, it's already a crap day and I have no one to blame but myself.

"Without enough sleep, we all become tall two-year-olds."

~JoJo Jensen

Current Crisis: Frozen Chicken

2010-07-11T23:12:00.000-07:00

This is ridiculous. How is it that a standing in the frozen food section now brings on an internal moral struggle? I can't buy frozen chicken without thinking about the global impact and hormones. After I went to "Traders Joe" where I couldn't buy frozen chicken because I felt that I could be a more responsible consumer if I got it somewhere else. But where? After that, I went to the market over in the hood to buy produce. Ok, so I stopped at my mom's house first and "shopped" there and then went to the ghetto market. I walked out of there with a crap load of produce and spent under $20. Woo hoo! And they have a full butcher like grocery stores used to have when I was a kid. Not these crappy, half assed meat sections. I was all inspired about BBQing or doing something with meat until I started thinking about where all this food comes from. I have no idea where they get their stuff. That bothers me. You'd think all this worrying and trying to make informed decision crap would make me thinner, but it hasn't and that's really the worst part about all this. So now instead of being such a spaz about buying frozen chicken, I'm going to worry about getting to bed at a reasonable hour so I can get plenty of sleep. It's 11:30pm. I was supposed to be in bed an hour ago, but writing about how I need to get more sleep instead of sleeping made sense at the time.

Craptastic

2010-07-03T12:41:00.000-07:00

I don't understand how not having a bathroom has completely brought my entire life to a screeching halt. The absence of running water has made a huge impact and I've not been able to adapt well. The shower is where I go to feel better, think, recharge, and give myself pep talks. Now, I have no shower and no toilet and every waking thought is where I will be able to access those things next. Humans all lived without indoor plumbing until very recently. Why can't I do it? Then again, they also didn't have to do most of the things we have to do as modern humans. But still, why is this so difficult for me to deal with? It makes me feel anxious and stressed which isn't helping my puffy/itchy situation at all. To add to that, I'm angry. I'm angry all the time about everything and I don't like it, but I can't seem to let that go either. I've regressed back into my head and I'm being a hermit again. I feel like I'm stuck in first gear on the freeway. It's extremely frustrating.

I'm submitting an application to be a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade float

2010-07-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

I am so swollen. I woke up with sausage fingers. Again. Where is all this fluid coming from? I stopped drinking water about a month ago when the toilet was unceremoniously ripped from the bathroom. I think I know where some of it is coming from, but I don't want to admit it. Sugar. That's just part of it. Did I tell you my mom said I was going to be the fat bridesmaid at my cousin's wedding? Jerk. Now she's totally denying that she ever said that. Double jerk. Which brings me back around to sugar which is making me puffy and miserable which will in turn ensure that I WILL be the fat bridesmaid. Lame! So why not just stop eating sugar? Well my friends, that is easier said than done. It's easy to not eat candy (except for when Ryan has mini Twix bars just lying around all over the place taunting me) and sometimes, it's easy not to eat the baked good when you don't have running water and therefore, cannot do dishes, so you stop baking completely, but it's the sneaky sugar that's tough. For example--fruit, yogurt, corn, granola, ice cream (it's very own food group as far as I'm concerned). Which at the moment pretty much makes up my diet. Meat and veggies are fine, except for that meat is expensive and veggies, well I have no excuse for that other than I don't like salads because I find them labor intensive and disorganized. Mostly, it's the disorganization and not being able to eat them while driving that I don't like. I'm complaining and being lazy. Fine, I'm going to go to the store and get stuff to cook for the first time in over a month. $5 says I'm going to end up baking something.

Well aren't I just the modern day Scarlett O'Hara?

2010-07-02T18:15:00.001-07:00

It's been about 2 and a half months since my last post. Not much of a blog if I don't blog now is it? The last month has been kind of stressful with the new job and the no toilet/bathroom situation (mostly the latter being the main stressor). Maybe when the bathroom is done and I'm not so upset about the whole thing, I'll be able to calm down enough to laugh about the experience and share it. As for now, I'm thoroughly annoyed by the entire debacle. I've had lots of jumbled thoughts floating around in my head lately though. Some good, but mostly melancholy. It all falls under the, "What The Hell Am I Doing With My Life?" category. Do I want to get into it? I probably should...but it'll probably just bum me out. Did I mention that I don't have a toilet? In my house. Technically, there is one here on the property, it's just out in the backyard with the moldy drywall and rest of the crap that used to be the walls and floor of my bathroom. I'm too old for this! Ugh! Forget it! I'm just going to get upset again. I'm going over to Ryan's and eat Jell-O and maybe some mini Twix bars. And by maybe eat some, I mean try to leave him at least a couple instead of the empty bag.

I'm Mary F#&%ing Poppins!

2010-04-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

Little kids crack me up. They're perfect and full of magic and have no fear. They can also make you want to shake the shit of them, but that's why they make them cute. It makes it a lot harder to drown them that way. Oh and the hugs they give! Pure love. I've come to accept the possibility of me ever breeding and reproducing to be fairly unlikely. But I think that's ok. I think I'm here to help out all my friends with kids instead. I'm Mary Poppins! Minus the umbrella and the singing voice, but totally practically perfect in every way. As Mary Poppins, I can decide whether or not I want to be up at 3am. Come to think of it, if I am up at 3am, chances are (I'm up to no good) someone is probably puking and/or crying, but at least I'll get to sleep in the next day. I came to this conclusion after a very short night of sleep and a very early morning with Little Miss Bossy Jr. I ended up falling asleep exhausted while she was napping. Waking up to crying was no fun and worse, it hurt to get up. It sucked, but I counted myself lucky for not having to do it very often. Another plus to being Mary Poppins is that I can take them on fun adventures and feed them cupcakes for lunch. I can also be their secret keeper. Everyone needs a secret keeper. Sometimes, kids don't want to go tell their parents right away that she and her sister was jumping on her parents' bed (when they weren't supposed to) and pulled a sconce out of the wall and left a hole. Or ask questions about boys or tell you where the candy is hidden (hidden candy? Not for long buddy, not for long...). It's almost like they test these things out on me first to see what kind of reaction they're going to get because they're not sure if it'll get them in trouble. I'm glad I can be a trusted adult figure in the lives of the kids I've come to love and watch grow up. I wish I had that kind of person in my life as a kid and I'm glad I can be that now for someone else. So if I have kids great, but if I don't I'm cool with it.* For now, I'm really enjoying being Mary Poppins.

*I reserve the right to change my mind at any given moment.

I need to stop listening to hippies

2010-04-25T14:58:00.001-07:00

I was in the mood for lasagna the other day, but hadn't quite committed myself to the labor involved. Then I came across a recipe for vegan lasagna. I had most of the ingredients on hand, so I thought, why not give it a shot. It didn't sound gross and thought while, it is NOT a substitute for real lasagna, it has the potential to be a healthy alternative that might quell the craving. I had also recently found a recipe for gluten-free cupcakes made with pureed white beans (beans?!). So since I can't ever do one thing at a time, I channelled my inner vegan hippie and made both. Seriously, I need to stop listening to the vegan hippie voice that lives in my head. It's got to be one of the most manic ones of all the members of The Committee. But anyway, the cupcakes actually came out ok. I'd make them again and even try feeding them to children. Of course, I'd frost those bad boys first but still, they weren't bad. My dad ate four of them. In a row. The recipe called for Splenda, which I of course I'm wholly opposed to, so I used agave syrup and raw sugar instead. It left the batter a little runny, but it still produced a very moist, flavorful cupcake. It actually reminded me of sweet potato pie both in taste and texture. In fact, next time I make them, I'm going to add pumpkin pie spice. I will also make them in mini cupcake pans. The full size wasn't ideal since the batter was runny and the almond meal kind of sank to the bottom. But in mini form, they'd be great little protein packed cupcake bites. White beans, yes, I know that sounds kind of gross, but you can't taste them at all. It's basically a mix of beans, eggs, and nuts--protein cupcakes. They're not going to win any bake offs, but they'd be a perfectly acceptable snack. The vegan lasagna, was unfortunately not as successful. It was edible, but I certainly wouldn't make it to feed to anyone. It was just ok, not great, NOT a substitute of lasagna. I'll have to make the real thing full of cheese and sausage soon. Especially if this chilly weather continues. But I can't in good conscious eat the whole pan, so someone needs to come help.

I promise not to start using patchouli products

2010-04-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

I claim to love to cook and bake. It's true, but I like to do it when I can feed others. When it's just me, it seems so lame and boring and the dishes I'd have to wash just don't seem worth it. I don't love it for the sake of the act of cooking. It's the community of it that I enjoy. But I must confess, I suck at improv. I have gotten better about thinking outside the box, but I'm still rather stunted in my culinary development, especially when it comes to real food as opposed to desserts. The desserts I have DOWN (hence the itchiness and too tight jeans). Then again, I rarely practice because once again, if it's just me, I don't care enough to put effort into it. I have started reassessing my eating and food buying habits again and I've decided that I want to start making the effort to buy most of my groceries from the farmer's market and fill in the gaps with Traders Joe (as my parents refer to it). I don't need to change the world, just mine. It might take a little more work at first, but I think it's worth the effort and time investment in the long run both personally and globally.

April Fool

2010-04-04T22:57:00.000-07:00

Remember that whole monthly resolution thing? Yeah...not so much. Over it. At least for now. Right now, I'm just working on getting to tomorrow. Without being itchy. Mostly, it's the itchy thing. Today wasn't too bad even though I made chocolate chip banana bread. Possibly one of the best banana breads I've made if I do say so myself. Maybe I'll make the month's resolution about restraint. Ha! Probably the number one thing I suck at. It's my dad's fault. I learned it from watching him! The original Mr. I Do What I Want. Then again, why not do what I want? Why not enjoy the moment while I can? See, this is why I suck at restraint. And with that I'm right back to where I started. Itchy and puffy. On a related note, I was putting on my "fat" jeans when I caught the size on the tag. 2. I'll shut up now. I just got bitch slapped by my own jeans.

Suckage

2010-03-03T22:40:00.000-08:00

Oh crap! It's three days into March and I just realized it (now it's a week)! I don't have a resolution, I can't decide what I want to do, and I still can't hear. I have boogers coming out of every hole in my head. Sexy, I know. That's why the boys like me...oh wait...damnit! What the hell am I doing? I totally failed at February and now I'm off to a stellar start in March. I totally rocked it in January too. Damn. I really, REALLY don't want to be a resolution statistic. I live my life avoiding becoming a statistic (I really hope that statement didn't just launch me right smack into the middle of a bell curve). I'm trying hard not to write March off as a total loss. Tomorrow is another opportunity to make a positive change. I ate a little bit of cake today and a cookie (guilty confession). It would be a lot easier if I just gave in and said I sucked. Must. Not. Give. In. To. Suckage. And beer, I had a couple pints. Ok, ok, ok, tomorrow is another opportunity to get back on the horse, on the wagon, on the whatever the hell else I can climb back onto, into. Where was I going with this again? March's resolution and not giving into suckage. Right. So, here's the plan. We all know I am failing miserable at sitting still let alone meditating, which is all the more reason to keep trying (or start trying, truth be told), instead, I think the goal is going to be yoga. Daily. Eight days in, yoga once. It's a good thing March is a long month. Painfully long actually. Did I mention this is the month I'm supposed to get my [acceptance] letter from Utah? Ugh! The suspense is killing me!

It's not what you say, it's how you say what you say

2010-02-24T17:42:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, I was watching some show, I don't remember which one or what they were talking about, but I think it was some sort of activism thing or bringing attention to some cause or something like that. Irrelevant to the story. Anyway, so this woman made this point about language being very powerful and that the language used to discuss whatever topic she was talking about was key to making positive change. Anyway, the concept lodged in my brain. Since then, the idea that language can be powerful and influential has been something I keep revisiting. The latest example being the wording I use to make my resolutions. Take for instance the decision to not use plastic bags. I've made the effort to use cloth shopping bags every time I go to Trader Joe's. Then I went to Target and as I was walking back to the car with my plastic bags in hand when it struck me that I need to take my bags with me every time I shop anywhere. Then the other day, I had a plastic bag in my hand and I thought to myself, I have it all wrong. Saying, I'm going use reusable bags is different than saying I am going to refuse to accept a plastic bag. The message pops up differently in my head when I'm at the register. The first statement doesn't pop into my head until after I've left the store because I've completely forgotten all about my reusable bag. The latter statement pops in immediately when when I see the plastic bag start to engulf my purchase (I've ended up stuffing things into my pockets to avoid the plastic bag). The message is the same, but the translation and retrieval are different. Another example--I'm not going to eat wheat or sugar because it makes me itchy and swollen (this exactly what I say to myself). Clearly, that statement has not exactly proven successful. Now, if I tell myself wheat and sugar act as poison in my body and it's a small sacrifice to make to be healthy and possibly avoid a future auto-immune disease, then it's worth it. It changes the value I put on the statement. It's no longer a denial or punishment; it almost becomes a reward. Same idea, same goal, but the language is different and it changes everything. So maybe that chick was onto something. Maybe it's a mind game I play with myself, but it helps me change my perspective at times and hopefully (tell me if it's not) it's enabling me to communicate more effectively.

Ode to stretchy pants

2010-02-21T12:25:00.000-08:00

Stretchy pants have come a long way from the lace trimmed leggings and the pink leopard print stir up pants I had in the 80's. Scary! All the major exercise brands have made them for years, but stretchy pants aren't just for working out anymore. Brands are now marketing "lifestyle" products so that everyone can look the part even though they never actually sweat in what they're wearing. Some brands make sporty looking stuff that is not intended to be performance wear. Then there are brands that make everything out of high performance technology based fabrics they have developed for moisture wicking, unencumbered movement, minimal chaffing, etc. This isn't a Lululemon commercial! There are lots of other brands I enjoy both for their products and their practices and policies. The thing is, I love wearing my stretchy pants! They fit well, they're very comfortable, they don't fade and I haven't been able to destroy them (no small feat). When I put on my workout clothes in the morning, it makes me more apt to go workout. And when I don't workout, I still feel kind of like I'm at least a fitness ambassador. I am such a dork! But it's true, I feel better about myself and less sluggish. As much as I'd like to fit into my jeans, I don't miss wearing them anymore. I'm not going to stop trying to get into them, but still, I love my stretchy pants. I dread the day I'm officially too old to wear them. I've been thinking about the appropriateness of wearing them into my 50's (there's an older demographic at my gym, so I think about these things). I've decided that I will stop wearing stretchy pants when my ass no longer looks good in them. When my ass wears off or whatever it is that happens to old ladies' asses, I'll switch to a different type of stretchy pants. Maybe then I'll switch to dresses. Nah, that's not going to happen. I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. For now, I'm going to enjoy wearing my stretchy pants daily and get the most out of the soft stretchy fabrics I love so much. I love my black stretchy pants and I don't care who knows it!

On a related note, I was listening to this lecture that posed the topic of mindful consumption. Without getting into the details, I started thinking about what I spend time, money, and energy on and if those are all things I really want to support. Patagonia and Lululemon are both companies who's mission statements and business practices I feel good about supporting. They also produce high quality products that have yet to fail me. Everyone wins!

The Dali Julia

2010-02-20T18:21:00.000-08:00

I have failed miserably at February's resolution. The whole point was to stick to resolutions and I've fallen into the February trap. I was going to start meditating and working on my new Zen-ness (that is totally a word!). I haven't been meditating at all or even going to bed at a respectable time. I did download a bunch of meditation podcasts. I have yet to listen to any of them, but at least I got them onto my iPod. The point remains that I have failed February. I have been in my head a lot thinking about all kinds of things which is good. Self-reflection and behavior modification is positive, but it's made the inside of my head noisier than usual which defeats the whole purpose of meditation. Once again, February FAIL. You know what else I totally suck at? Pictures. I also suck at consistently writing this thing or adventuring. I'll stop now. If I start listing all the things I suck at I'll be here all night. Besides, that's another thing I'm not doing anymore--using self-deprecating language. I still slip, but I'm getting better about it. I've had such an incredibly hard time sticking with the quiet, mental resolutions, but I've been able to maintain the physical ones. I still sweat just about every day. So for March, I've been thinking of a way to combine the two. I can't listen to meditations while running, so I've decided to listen to the podcasts at some point during the day and then reflect while swimming. Being in the water is quiet and peaceful. It's my happy place. I think this might be a good way to bridge the physical and the mental and have a successful resolution. And as an added bonus, the chlorine will highlight my hair and I'll be pretty.

Fire and Chocolate. Two things that always make me smile.

2010-02-17T23:26:00.000-08:00

There were some egg yolks just chillin' in my refrigerator the other day, so naturally, I HAD to make creme brulee. I kind of winged it in terms of the recipe and hoped it wasn't going to taste like sweet scrambled eggs. The firemen I fed them to loved them so I was inspired to make the dark chocolate creme brulee I had come across. Once again, I opened my magic fridge and there were little yellow suns begging to be made into creme brulee. Ok maybe not, but as long as I keep finding random yolks in the fridge, I will keep making creme brulee. I started this project at my usual baking time, 10:30pm. I was almost done pouring the custard into the molds when something went horribly wrong. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but there was a little pinball action and everything tipped and banged around and the next thing I knew, the kitchen and I were all covered in chocolate. There was chocolate all over the floor, the cabinets, the oven and me. The only place I didn't have chocolate was in my hair. My pants were soaked in chocolate down to my underwear. I'm going to leave out the lewd comment I was going to make. Moving right along, so at midnight, I was mopping the floors and doing laundry. I had been meaning to mop the floors for a shameful length of time, so I moved everything and mopped the crap out of the kitchen and dining room. Twice. I put the creme brulees that survived in the oven to bake while I mopped. I didn't check how long they were supposed to be in there until about 40 minutes into the baking time. They were only supposed to be in for 20 minutes. I suck. But only a little bit. They were in a water bath, so there was enough moisture to keep them from drying out. They were perfect the next morning for breakfast. There were four of them, one for each of us, but what had happened was I had one for breakfast and Stephen had one with me because I refused to share. Then I had one for lunch. Then my dad showed up. So much for sharing. I'll make more, I promise, they were fantastic! If you've never made creme brulee or are intimated by the process, get over it. It's an easy recipe, you get to play with a blow torch and the results are delicious. It's a win-win-win situation. I think next time, I'll add some berry puree to jazz things up. Just as soon as the swelling in my knee subsides. The vicious sugar circle...

I don't want flannel jammie pants for my birthday

2010-02-16T12:16:00.001-08:00

Last year I was doing a favor for my friends and picked up their kids from school. There was this cluster of moms standing outside waiting to pick up their kids. Some of them were such cliche moms. Sweat pants, looking all haggard, hair pulled back with ugly scrunchies. There was even one in flannel pajamas and a bathrobe. Seriously? I'm not going to admonish these women about being presentable in public, I have no idea what's going on their personal lives and the last thing I want to do is pass judgment. Right then and there though, I did vow to never become that. There's a time and place for everything. Santa Barbara in the late 90's during finals week was the time and place for me to go out in public in jammie pants. Lately, I've been taking care of a one year old and have been wearing my usual stretchy pants uniform. Then last night, I found myself dangerously close to sliding down that slippery slope to jammie pants in public. I have an old pair of stretchy pants that have been retired to jammie pants. I considered wearing them to play with the baby. I figured I was just going to end up covered in baby food and spit anyway. Then those women from school flashed in my head and I froze. I was just a small step from frumpy (fake) mom. Unacceptable! Not that I'd go so far as to wear jeans, but I did wear my regular stretchy pants, Nikes, and a t-shirt. Standard operating attire. Not that stretchy pants and a t-shirt are classy, but I'd rather be Sporty Spice than a haggard looking house wife. I know that sounds harsh. I'm not trying to sound judgmental or vain. I just know that personally, when I stop caring about my general upkeep, I stop caring about a lot of other things and it snowballs. I know myself well enough at this point to know I'd wake up one day fat, miserable, and depressed and it would have all started because I couldn't get my act together enough to put on real pants and a clean top. I'm being neurotic again aren't I?

Tree Hugging Hippie Crap

2010-02-14T22:19:00.000-08:00

Butter. My all time favorite baking ingredient. Followed by eggs and chocolate. My love for rich, indulgent desserts is no secret. It's also no secret that I'm not supposed to be eating anything rich or indulgent. Damnit!! Very frustrating. About a year ago, I started eating a lot of raw foods, which my body and Brutus really enjoyed, but it was expensive. Sorry Brutus. I tried making some of it at home, but it's a giant pain in the ass. I do like to have the desserts when I have a major cupcake craving. Vegan raw desserts are usually high in nuts and coconut, so they aren't low calorie. The sweetness typically comes from dates, agave, and fruit, so they aren't overly sugary, but they're still rich and yummy. The other day, I came across a recipe for vegan chocolate pie. I had most of the ingredients on hand and it didn't take two days to make it, so I figured I'd give it a shot. It didn't suck! I was pleasantly surprised. It's definitely on the make-it-again list. Next time, I think I'll add a little espresso to the crust, maybe eliminate the almond extract, add a little rum, maybe cut a little coconut oil and add a little macadamia nut oil. There's lots of wiggle room. It was really easy to make, the food processor did all the work. Here's the recipe. I hope the vegan/raw thing doesn't scare anyone off. It's still dessert! I promise.

Tips/Suggestions/Things to keep in mind:

Dates, coconut oil, and tofu can all be bought at ethnic food stores where they will probably be cheaper (and fresher) than say a health food store.

The recipe called for "two packages" of tofu. I have no idea what size each of her packages was, so I just used one block and that was more than enough. At Trader Joe's, they sell an organic brick (the one I used) and one labeled "double package", I'm not sure if that's what she was referring to.

I used a pyrex pie pan, not a spring form pan. It worked fine.

When you think you're done processing it, process it some more. The longer it sits in the food processor, the silkier and smoother the mixture gets.

Bad news! I drove by the vegan restaurant I used to go to. It closed Saturday. In commemoration, I came home and attempted to make my favorite kale shake. That came out good too! Yay me!

Kale Smoothie

fill a blender loosely with a bunch of kale

orange juice

some frozen mango (I used Mangolicious from Trader Joe's)

cinnamon to taste

"If there is magic on this planet, it is contained in water."

2010-02-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

Recently, I've been feeling like I'm on the edge of something. Not sure what that edge is or what's needed to tip myself over. I feel like everything around me is shallow and dull for some reason. I don't mean that in a negative, critical way. It's most likely my brain preparing me to leave this place. Nothing is bright and shiny these days. It's not coming from a place of boredom or disdain or anything negative. There's a drifting quality to my daily life. Everything feels like memories and recollections. Every experience immediately turns into a watery memory. I'm not explaining this right at all. I need to fall into a dark pool and feel the cool weight of water, the silence, the darkness. Uh...that kind of sounds like death. Not what I was going for. Nothing to worry about, nothing to see here people, nothing to see. In addition to this watery state or as a result of it, I've put myself into a quasi quarantine. It's lonely and I like it. I'm enjoying the singularity of my current life. I think it's healthy, positive thing right now. I'm probably being a self-indulgent freak show living too much in my head, but I'm ok with that right now. It's a good place for me.

"Water is the one substance from which the earth can conceal nothing; it sucks out its innermost secrets and brings them to our very lips." --Jean Giraudoux

Oh look! Something shiny!

2010-02-03T00:22:00.001-08:00

January was Sweat Every Day Month. I did it! There was one day where I got very hot and just barely glistened, but other than that, I was all super sweaty and gross every day. Yay me. There were a few days where I wasn't feeling well and working out would probably have done more damage in the long run, so I sat in the sauna and tried not to punish myself. I still sweat and felt better afterwards for it. Except for the day when I was in the sauna too long talking to a naked lady about how men are ridiculous people and I felt like I was going to either pass out or puke or explode into a steamy liquid mess. It was a very interesting conversation (I'm glad I didn't have my contacts in though). On the very last day of the month, I had to leave the house at 8:30 in the morning and didn't get home until 11pm. I forgot to set my alarm early so that I could go to the gym before work, so when I got home at 11, I layered up and headed out for a run. I couldn't blow off the very last day after I had done so well! Thank God that was the last day of the month because the next day, my day started at 5:30am and didn't end until 11:30pm. There's no way I would have had enough time or energy to work up a sweat.

This month's resolution is to meditate every day. I figured January was extra physical so February would have an internal focus. Not surprising, this whole meditation thing feels harder than getting on a treadmill (ugh, torture). First off, I'm not really sure what I'm doing. Second, meditation requires you to be still and focus. The first night, I was so tired, I keep falling asleep and having weird mini dreams. The second night, I felt like I did it wrong (is that even possible?) and the third night, I fell asleep before I could even think about doing it. I'm going to keep at it. It'll get easier just like getting on the treadmill did. Actually, I find it a bit alarming how hard it is for me to be able to sit still and focus these days. Something to think about. I used to be able to do it back when I was all hardcore into my yoga practice (two a days--yes, I have obsessive tendencies). Depending on how this month goes, I might have to repeat this one later on in the year. My world is a shit storm, I need to figure out how to live in the eye of it instead of getting sucked into the chaos.

Hey kid! Knock it off!

2010-02-02T23:36:00.000-08:00

The older I get and the more kids I deal with the more I question the possibility of my breeding in the future. It's not that I don't like kids or anything like that, it's quite the opposite. I'm a freakin' baby whisperer! And trust me, I have dealt with a wide spectrum of kids both with and without special needs. I have yet to meet a kid that hasn't been cool with me. I'm great with other people's kids, but I seriously question what kind of parent I might be. I'm not fun to be around when I'm tired. It's not that I get all bitchy (which does happen on occasion), I tend to withdraw completely and shut down. I care less or act like I don't care at all. And it's not that I don't care, I just have a hard time finding the energy to really focus on anything and be cheerfully selfless. Long story short, I totally suck at life. I don't want my kid around that sort of person, but that person is me and this is my concern. I've always taken care of everyone else and my future profession is an extension of that. I'm not sure breeding is something I should do. I'd never have a break from taking care of people and if I've learned anything over the past few years is that in order for me to not suck at life, I need to be able to press pause and regroup before moving forward again at full speed. Plus there's that whole husband part. I refuse to make any babies without one of those. I'm so thankful that I've been fortunate to share in the lives of so many kids. I've been there for all the milestones including teaching them to talk smack during Wii bowling (an essential life skill). It's been a lot of fun, but still, I can't help thinking about all the bad stuff that has a high possibility of happening. Never sleeping again, paying for college, not killing them when they turn into teenagers, divorce, not being able to swear freely, etc. I'm actually looking forward to the conversation about sex only because I think it will be HILARIOUS. Mortifying, but hilarious. So yeah, I'm really not so sure anymore. I'm appreciative of my freedom and independence and I really enjoy being the fun adult in my friends' kids' lives. As mom, I don't really get to be that and plus, I know me, I'm a hard ass. No one gets away with anything. Add in tired and there's a strong possibility that I will revert to my coxwain ways and bark orders from on high (minus my Janet Jackson microphone). I really don't need to be worrying about this at all now (especially when it's after midnight and I have to be up very, very early), but I do. A lot.

No, we can't be friends

2010-01-22T20:37:00.000-08:00

I broke up with sugar today. It was long over due. I splurged tonight to lay it to rest. Why torture myself tomorrow? It'll suck having to give baking a rest for a while. It's not that I even like sweet, it's not a preferred taste of mine, but sugar is addictive and I need to break that. The biggest challenge is going to be to fight the self-sabotaging behavior that I tend to engage in in these situations. That might have to be March's resolution. Sometimes, I wish I was one of those people that was indifferent about food. Or at the very least, didn't have it so deeply ingrained in every facet of my life and identity. Instead, I've acquired a love for all things rich, indulgent, and buttery. Mmmm....butter....I need to keep reminding myself about the big picture and not be a brat.

12 Pounds

2010-01-16T23:52:00.000-08:00

I have decided my guilt weighs exactly 12 pounds. January's goal was to sweat every day and I've diligently been a big sweaty mess. I feel good about it, it's been easy to do. It would probably be more difficult if I didn't have the gym, so I might have to do this again but put in a no gym clause. So here's the thing, aside from the January thing, I've actually been really good about working out consistently since October. The wheat and sugar thing hasn't been great, but it's been ok. I have lost zero pounds. Seriously, what the hell is that all about? Therefore, the conclusion I've come to is that it's guilt. I'm carrying around guilt and I need to let it go. As to what I feel guilty about, the list is long and deeply rooted. It doesn't really matter what it is though, guilt is one of those emotions that lots of energy gets wasted on. In this case, it has materialized into actual fat that has established a strong foot hold on my thass. I need to let it go. I was going to make February, the say I Love You month because of Valentine's Day, but more importantly because it's my birthday month and I'll see a lot of people I love. That would make me a cheater though and that's not the point of these month long resolutions. So for February, I need to find something I can do actively that will allow me to put this guilt down and get on with my life, but more importantly fit into my jeans again. Twelve pounds. That's become the physical manifestation of my guilt and associated sadness. My jeans look way too good on my butt for me not to let it all go.

I want IN!

2010-01-15T01:26:00.000-08:00

Here it is. All my cards are on the table. The only place I want to go to for nursing school is Utah. I have my heart set on it for so many reasons, including learning to snow board without looking like a mule on ice. Not that I've ever seen a mule on ice, but I'm going to go out on a limb and assume that it's painfully ungraceful. I really don't want to apply anywhere else, but I probably should. But I don't want to. I keep getting asked, but why Utah? Julia and the Mormons? No good can come of this. Yeah, I'm not expecting to make many friends. They'll probably think I'm black like they did in Pennsylvania. I'm fine with that. I'm not there to make friends. I'm there to add some extra letters behind my name and that's it. It's not even all that remote. There's an airport right there and it's a real one, not like the Yuma International Airport which is only as long as it is because they needed room to write the name on it.

This is my essay to the University of Utah College of Nursing. I kind of feel like if I put it out there, it makes it more real. I don't usually make public what is important or precious to me, but things are different now. I'm different now. I can't hide behind the luxury of self-consciousness or insecurity. I can't bitch and whine about the what ifs, the buts, the if onlys. Fuck that. I have one option: Make It Happen. I know there are a lot of people rooting for me and for that I feel blessed. The more I worked on this process, the more I realized that. I can't give enough thanks to everyone that helped, encouraged, and just listened to my ramblings throughout this whole process.

Nurses have a very unique advocacy role within the healthcare team. They work directly with patients on a daily basis and are able to form meaningful relationships. This allows for in-depth knowledge of patients and their diagnoses making them ideal advocates. I came to nursing because I felt it offered me the greatest opportunity to work with patients. That’s what drew me to nursing—patient care. I personally defined quality care as the ability to advocate for patients. Being an effective advocate for patients has been the natural progression of my life subsequently bringing me to nursing. It is an issue I inherently value and exercise with each patient I treat.

During one of my physical therapy clinical rotations in graduate school, I worked with an elderly woman from the South, Miss M. She had been transferred to the in-patient neuro floor from the ICU because she was disoriented and had lost weight while in the hospital. Miss M was very independent, lived alone, still drove and was a very active member in her church. Her physical therapy goals included building her strength in order for her to be able to return to her previous activity level. During Miss M’s first few days with us, she wasn’t eating well, was weak, had very little stamina, and a general sense of malaise. My clinical instructor and I spent part of our treatment time talking with to her to find out why she was so unhappy. She told us the food was upsetting her stomach, but no one was listening to her or acknowledging her requests. For the rest of her treatment, I helped her do some grooming she hadn’t been able to do alone and her mood started to improve (she was a very proper lady and liked to be presentable at all times). Afterwards, I called the kitchen repeatedly to request different meals for her. I also spoke to her son to find out more about her eating habits and her daily routine in order to tailor her treatment to be more meaningful to her lifestyle. He told me she had always been very strong willed and cheerful and he was worried about her. I made it a point to let him know I was sensitive to his concerns and that I would follow up with him as she progressed. After a day of phone calls to her primary doctor, the nutritionist, and the kitchen, her menu was finally changed. We arranged to have her eat meals at the communal table so that she was sitting up; fulfilling one of her physical therapy goals. “Family style” meals allowed her to interact with others and feel less isolated and more independent. Her mood quickly improved and she was much more receptive to and compliant with her treatment plan. Miss M was graciously receiving visitors and showed positive cognitive changes. She was her usual gregarious self again. Not only did Miss M benefit from our efforts, every single person involved in her medical care benefited as well by making her more active in her own care. She was progressing well without complications making her an easier patient to treat.

I understand and have seen firsthand the power of effective patient advocacy. In school, classes are based around becoming technicians and problem solvers. Of course the human element is addressed, but lecturing and practicing with classmates can only go so far in preparing for a live patient. As a student, I was not required or expected to make any phone calls regarding Miss M’s menu. But in doing so, it not only impacted her treatment goals, but her overall well-being. As a student, I could have just concentrated on her functional goals but I didn’t feel it was acceptable for me to be passive. She was my patient regardless of whether or not I was a student and I took that responsibility very seriously.

My background in physical therapy has equipped me with a different perspective and a unique set of skills that will be invaluable in my goal of advocating for quality care as a nurse. I don’t need to reinvent the proverbial wheel, but I will lead by example and fuel change within my immediate peer group and set precedence wherever I practice.

Babies cry more in yellow rooms

2010-01-15T00:14:00.000-08:00

In continuing my January Spring Cleaning fervor, I have finally, FINALLY repainted my sister's infamous yellow bedroom. It looked like a parakeet exploded in there. It was a soul piercing yellow that left you feeling slightly over-heated and nauseous. That was part of the reason it took me so long to get it over with. After I got the first coat of primer on the walls, the temperature instantly dropped five degrees and I didn't feel like a prisoner on the surface of the sun anymore. It took TWO coats of primer to cover up the yellow.

I didn't want to risk having to buy more paint to sufficiently erase the horror of it. OK, maybe I'm being slightly dramatic, but seriously, I don't know how she slept in there. It was maddening. I didn't want to buy another can of paint because I totally scored the can I already had. When I was painting the exterior of the house last year, I started buying all my supplies at the Home Depot in the ghetto because everything there was cheaper. I'd been curious about the Freshaire Choice paints, but there was no way I was going to be able to talk Pops into paying for that. On one of my many trips to Home Depot, I thought to myself how it would be awesome if I found a can of it in the reject paint pile. Guess what?! I found a can of it in the reject paint pile that very day!! Behold the power of my telepathic mind! I rule.

So the other day, when I went to put it on the walls, I was a little apprehensive. First of all, I couldn't remember what shade of green it was. Then I wasn't sure how it would go up. I've painted with lots of different

paint and this stuff was supposed to be all natural and plant based or something like that. I didn't know what to expect. It went up beautifully. If you're buying paint in that price range, I highly recommend it. It performed just as well as other high quality paint I have used in the past. The pictures don't do it justice. It's a huge difference. I also pulled up all the carpet. The next step is to finish painting the house and then have the floors refinished. I can't wait!!

I totally did this inadvertently. I was in a rush to finish up and get to the gym and didn't notice it until I got home and checked it out. LOL! Freudian slip??

Faux Ice Cream for Moi

2010-01-07T17:15:00.000-08:00

I must share my latest obsession. Faux ice cream. I found this recipe the day before yesterday and I immediately got up and made it. The version I originally found called for:

2 frozen bananas (which I always have)

3 tablespoons of malt powder (I just happened to have exactly that amount)

1 teaspoon of vanilla

1/4 cup of cream (I had some I needed to use up)

Divine intervention at work here? Absolutely. It said to combine all this in a food processor and process until it was the consistency of soft serve ice cream. I first tried to put it all in the blender because in my haste, I was being lazy about pulling out the food processor. Unless you've got a VitaMix or the bananas are already frozen into little chunks, forget the blender, it won't turn into the creamy ice cream consistency that it's supposed to be. It was delicious! The chick posting the recipe suggested freezing slightly under ripe bananas so that there isn't a strong banana flavor and playing up other flavors. As I was I drooling over my faux cream cup, I imagined graham cracker crumbs and apple pie filling as a delicious addition to this creamy base. Then maybe some chocolate chunks, or mini marshmallows and fudge topping, or leftover cake (wait, does that even exist?), or Oreo cookies--the mix in possibilities are endless. It's all nice and soft so stirring in just about anything is easy and instantly gratifying. Then this morning I found a similar recipe but this person made it vegan and sucked all the fun out of it. They substituted almond milk (or water, ew) for the cream and left out the vanilla and malt all together. Lame! Lady, that's just frozen baby food. If you're going to sub something out, at least sub in something fabulous. Some people are just so uninspired. Tonight, for example, I threw in some Bailey's Irish Cream. Hell yeah, I did! Tomorrow, rum and maybe some coconut. Oh, and the aforementioned proportions makes one serving, which translates to make your own, I'm not sharing.

Operation Pulling Head Out of Ass is a GO!

2010-01-06T19:52:00.000-08:00

After my last blog, I decided that I need to start coming up with at least 10 more resolutions for the rest of the year. I can't just say that I'm going to do that and then half ass my way through it all. Especially when the whole year has been given a theme. It's very hard for me to plan ahead for the distant future. The best I do these days is planning my day out from meal to meal or three hour time blocks. Not exactly a productive system. So here are some ideas for the rest of the year. If you can think of more, let me know. They're all to be done daily unless otherwise stated.

Meditation

Getting up early and going to the beach to run, walk, do yoga, whatever, just as long as I'm at the beach

Saying, I Love You (and meaning it of course)

Going to bed before 11

Never saying the words, "I'm fat, or No one wants to see this mess on a pole" or anything else self-deprecating

Volunteering my time once a week

Paying strangers sincere compliments

That's nine so far and a pretty good start I feel. As usual, I reserve the right to change my mind and make adjustments at my whim. Yay, now I'm excited about this!

I'm going to need more soap

2010-01-05T23:50:00.000-08:00

New Year's Resolutions are a waste of time. Of my time at least. I find they are a great way to set up for failure. Who ever carries out a resolution past February? Besides, I get bored and wouldn't want to keep doing the same thing for year anyway. Instead, I've decided to make 12 resolutions. One per month. They will be something I believe in and can dedicate an entire month to. And then after a month, if I keep doing it great, but I won't feel bad about it if it doesn't become a regular part of my life. This month, I'm jumping on the Lululemon bandwagon and have dedicated this month to SWEAT. I will sweat every day this month. It's only been five days and I totally wanted to bail last night. It was late and I was tired and hungry. By the time I got home and ate something it was almost time for the gym to close. I went anyway, got on the elliptical machine for a little bit and then sat in the dry sauna. It's still technically sweating and I still purged toxins and stress so it counts! I was proud of myself for not bailing. Usually, I justify flaking by telling myself that since I'd been going everyday, one day of rest will be fine and I'll just go tomorrow. I do usually do that, but that's not the point of this month's resolution. The point is to sweat because sweating is a great detoxifier. Which brings me to my 2010 theme: DETOX. I'm making a conscious effort to rid myself and my environment of excess and the things that make me unhappy. There's been a lot of unhappy and I'm pretty sure it's making me break out and get fat. I've been doing a lot of bitching, but not a lot of acting. I really should name my 2010 theme: Pulling Head Out of Ass, but detox sounds more ladylike. February is my birthday month so I must obviously pick something fabulous for my resolution. Maybe I'll meditate in March--March Meditation, Meditation March. Maybe I'll make macaroons and mediate in March. Maybe I should go to sleep before someone reports me and March ends up being Under Medical Observation March.

Good-bye 2009 and the carpet you rode in on!!

2010-01-02T14:30:00.000-08:00

This year's holiday season was rather painless. There were no fights, everyone got along and it was pretty low key. We had a good time. My sister was really cool about everything. That was a relief. My brother was his usual lame self. I keep hoping he'll grow up and not suck so bad, but I'm not holding my breath. I found the family's calmness and nonchalant attitude about the ridiculousness of the holiday season comforting. I for one had a crap year. Last year around the holidays, I was all bummed about what a crap year 2008 year was, but after thinking about and writing about it, it turned out to be a great year with lots of fun adventures. I cannot say the same for 2009. I've spent lots of time thinking about the past year, hoping to find a string of happy, random events like I did the year before last. Yeah, not so much. The best I could come up with was not getting arrested. My knee is a lot better than it has been in a long time and the resulting hip issues that resulted from are almost gone. That's a huge weight lifted. I got a new French press and organic coffee to put in it. That's always nice. My sister and I are friends again. Another positive. I did get to start an IV in a Vegas hotel room. That was pretty awesome. Other than that, I got nothing. I was over 2009 by summer. My mom told me at New Years Eve that she hopes this year will be better for me than last year because, and I quote, "Last year sucked." For those of you that know my mom, hearing her say that was hilarious. It kind of made my New Years.

Oh, and my whole taking a picture of the beach on New Year's Day, yeah, that didn't happen. I was bummed because I forgot during the beginning of the day, but I got so wrapped up in cleaning house, that I never got down there. And by cleaning house, I don't mean cleaning and making things all shiny, I mean emptying the house of crap. We emptied a whole bedroom and two closets. Plus, I'm selling everything else off. Next, I'm ripping out the carpet. It feels so good!

Buzz Kill

2009-12-18T18:35:00.000-08:00

I am shamefully over due in writing this. I was having a hard time figuring out how to tactfully describe a fun weekend that was unfortunately marred by such tragedy, but let's face it, tact is not exactly what I'm known for. I'm just going for not coming off as an ass. Back in early November, half the crew of the "On The Rag" Ragnar Relay team met back up with some new characters to run the Vegas Ragnar Relay. It went from the Valley of Hell?...Hell's Valley?...some place that sounded like the worst possible place to run, to Red Rock Canyon. Everyone was pretty much their normal retarded selves and we all had a great time. I, unfortunately, I was battling another one of my many bouts with whooping cough. I sincerely apologize to everyone in my van. I wanted to kill me in my sleep too, except for that I couldn't fall asleep because I kept waking up coughing. So annoying! Justice was served though when my last leg mysteriously got longer. What the hell? Last time, I ran up a hill at 3:30 in the morning and this time, I ran an extra mile or so at high noon. Lame! Thank God someone thought to bring IV bags this time because otherwise, we all would have been carted out of the casino on stretchers. After showers and a much needed nap, we ended up enjoying all the Red Rock Casino had to offer. As to how we got up and got our shit together to get to the airport on time, I will never know, but we did. It was a super fun trip (minus the whooping cough). But Julia, you said there was tragedy? Someone died. No really, like for real someone died. A runner on another team was hit by a car and killed. It happened right before I handed off to our runner that was supposed to run that leg of the race. To say that sucked is a gross understatement. The Ragnar people did a good job of handling the situation tactfully during and after the race. So yeah, as fun as it was, very sad. I was going to go on into more detail, but I'm just going to leave it at that. It was again, an amazing experience, this time for different reasons. I can't wait for the next one!

Funny, this year, no one brought cameras to Vegas. IV bags yes, cameras no....I said we were retarded, not dumb ;)

A Barefoot Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T19:34:00.000-08:00

This Thanksgiving, my mom was in Wisconsin. She left unexpectedly to help out my aunt and uncle there. She seemed to be concerned with the fate of Thanksgiving when she called to tell me she was going to leave for Wisconsin. For years now, my mom has made the turkey and my sister and I have made everything else, so I don't know what she was so worried about. Granted, I've never roasted a turkey, but I've roasted chickens successfully. Regardless, since it was only going to be the four of us, I opted to make a stuffed turkey breast. Long story short, I totally rock! More accurately, the Barefoot Contessa rocks and she makes me look good. There wasn't really any time to take any pictures since the locusts came and did their damage before I even sat down to the table. I'm kind of looking forward to next year now since the success of this one. I keep having visions of me in a super cool kitchen doing fantastic things with butter and organic ingredients and everything coming together seamlessly. Needless to say, delusions are a strong suit of mine.

This year's menu:

brussels spouts with pancetta and shallots

stuffing with sausage, figs, and walnuts

roasted and stuffed turkey breast

fresh cranberry sauce with lemon and lime zest

garlic mashed potatoes

bruleed sweet potatoes

cornbread

banana pumpkin tart

pecan pie

cranberry crumble bars

crustless sweet potato pie

That was what I came up with after I toned it down. I am my father's daughter. Every meal has to be prepared with complete disregard to the actual number of people that will be consuming said meal.

China's evil master plan to piss me off

2009-10-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

Pandas suck. Here's why:

They are quite possibly one of the lamest animals nature has created. They're remotely cute, but there are plenty of other way cuter animals out there. Polar bears for instance. Now there's a bear who's struggle I can support. They're out there, hunting seals, ice fishing, swimming, you know, doin' it. They're just a bear trying to live. Trying to stay a step ahead of the man before the man melts the polar ice caps. Pandas, not so much. They just kinda sit there--the Peg Bundy's of the bear world if you will. It's entire diet is based on a plant almost completely devoid of nutritional value. As a result of this ridiculous diet, it has a super slow metabolism, essentially making it a huge fat ass. Then to add to the lameness, it has small litters that take forever to mature, once again, due to the lousy bamboo diet. The worst part is, these pandas are evil geniuses. They've duped humans into thinking they're helpless and that we need to "save" them. Pandas have made humans their bitches and we fall for it every time! We even made them the poster child for the WWF (not to be confused with Wrestlemania). It's kind of like if humans only ate crappy food and then bitched about it and got fat because they didn't have enough energy to do anything. And then ended up getting sick and dying off...oh wait...maybe humans are projecting...whatever, pandas suck.

"The sea monkey stole my money!"

2009-10-24T22:06:00.000-07:00

Technology is a fantastic thing. It's really rather amazing how quickly it has advanced over the past thirty years. The iPhone is a perfect example. At times, I don't know how I got through the day before without it. There's a catch though...:::sigh:::...there always is. It's making me feel like my attention span is non-existent. Before I was at least good for anywhere from 45 seconds to a minute and a half. Now it's a challenge to be able to focus long enough to get deodorant under both arms. I've found myself becoming absurdly impatient. I can't stand in line at the grocery store without checking e-mail or Facebook. So lame. Worst yet, I feel like an asshole while doing it, yet I continue to do it. I can't sit still for anything. I haven't done yoga regularly in a long time, which used to help keep the Committee quiet. I had running to try to keep me a tad focused, but I wasn't able to do that for a while because of allergy issues. It's to the point where I can't do one thing a time. Ever. If I'm eating, I'm watching something or reading at the same time. I can't watch TV without being on my computer or doing something on my phone. I can't even pee without playing a game on my iPhone at times. When did it become necessary for me to be distracted 100% of the time?

I can't help but wonder what the role of all this over stimulation plays in hyperactivity in children. I for one, am feeling rather over stimulated. I need a tech detox. The last time I did that though, I ended up wearing my pants inside out all day (not one of my finer days). I was thinking of going cold turkey, but that might not be prudent considering the pants issue last time. Though, the more I think about it, the more curious I become about this sensory overload and the bombardment of information. It may explain why people seem increasingly detached, aloof, oblivious, and inconsiderate (or am I being over sensitive?). And maybe why behavioral problem related diagnoses are being handed out like Skittles. I'm going to work on my tech detox*. I have to start somewhere. I want to avoid becoming the aforementioned douche. If you catch me being any of those things, please let me know before I become completely insufferable. Didn't JFK say something about being the change you want to see in the world or something like that? Someone said it and I'm going to do it! Too bad I can't fit that onto a pair of custom Nikes.

*Blogging will, of course, be the exception to the detox.

"Hallelujah it's raining men!"

2009-10-13T23:32:00.000-07:00

It's raining!!! Just rain. Not men (did I just date myself? yikes?!). Yay for weather! Boo for traffic. It's like the rain here is tainted with stupid juice or something because the slightest precipitation is met with apocalyptic terror. To say the rain does not bring out the best in LA would be an understatement. Regardless, I've always loved when rains in LA. The sound of the rain late at night or early in the morning always brings back happy, peaceful memories. I specify rain in Los Angeles because I was not amused by the El Nino rain in Santa Barbara nor did I find snow fall during my two hour commute in Pennsylvania charming. Getting stuck behind a snow plow for an hour is somewhat maddening. But that's not the point, the point is rain in LA is just so silly. I think that's why I've always enjoyed it. It just seems so foreign and uncharacteristic. The rain somehow tussles LA's "coolness" and makes it normal just like everywhere else for a few days. Rainy days are the days LA feels the most like home to me.

Now because I'm in such a cozy mood and once again fallen off the wheat and sugar wagon, I am going to make soft pretzels! Yeah, I know that's the last thing I should be doing in my current flared up, itchy state, but they're soft pretzels! How can I deny them being brought to fruition? Besides, I'm pretty sure Julia Child is speaking to me from heaven inspiring me to make them. I can't very well disappoint Julia, now can I?

I made the pretzels. They weren't great. Julia is not smiling from heaven. I used all-purpose flour instead of bread flour because I didn't want to drive to the store just for one thing. Besides, Trader Joe's doesn't carry bread flour in the first place. I'll try again later. For now though, I'm going to give the baking a rest and get the itching under control.

This week's blog is brought to you by the letter C

2009-09-23T17:28:00.000-07:00

I think I have found my go-to chocolate chip cookie recipe. I'm not really a cookie maker (more of a cookie monster), but I've made my fair share of them. Last week, I decided once and for all, I needed to establish my signature chocolate chip cookie. I made three different batches of cookies. I've settled on a two that I think are wonderful. They are made with browned butter instead of creamed butter and sugar. The browned butter makes them come out crisp at the edge and caramely on the inside. :::shivers::: These cookies rock! They can successfully be used as currency when dealing with small, uncooperative children and grumpy adults alike. I now keep a bag of dough in the fridge at all times just in case I need to have my car washed, I'd like something TiVo'd, or just to cheer someone up. Now if only my student loan people would take payment in the form of cookies...

MY chocolate chip cookies, by ME, Julia Bartos

(I cannot confirm or deny that this was stolen/adapted from America's Test Kitchen)

14 Tbs (1 3/4 sticks) unsalted butter

1 3/4 cup unbleached all-purpose flour

1/2 tsp baking soda

1/2 cup granulated sugar

3/4 cup packed brown sugar (I'll be making these with the dark muscavado sugar Trader Joe's carries seasonly. It should up the caramel factor)

1/2 tsp salt

2 tsp real vanilla extract

1 large egg

1 large egg yolk

chopped semi-sweet, dark, and or milk chocolate (I've abandoned the use of chocolate chips. Bar chocolate has fewer additives and stabilizers)

1. Set oven to 375F and line a cookie sheet with parchment paper.

2. Put all of the butter in a pan and set it over low to medium low heat to melt and brown. You'll know it's done when it starts to smell amazing and you can't help but stand over the stove and just breath in the deliciousness.

3. Whisk flour and baking soda together in a small bowl and set aside.

4. Combine the sugars, salt, and vanilla and add in the butter. Mix well and let cool. Whisk in the egg and egg yolk.

5. Fold in all the flour mixture until the batter is shiny and smooth. Let it rest of a few minutes and stir it again until it's shiny and smooth. Repeat the process about three times.

6. Fold in the chocolate chunks.

7. Put the dough into a zip-lock baggie and refrigerate about 20 minutes or until it has firmed up a bit.

8. Roll dough into balls and place on a parchment lined cookie sheet. Bake for 7-8 minutes. The cookies will seem under done, but after they cool, they'll have crisp edges and caramel centers.

*These cookies did not stick around long enough to be photographed.

"If you're afraid of butter, just use cream."

2009-09-22T11:51:00.001-07:00

I loved it! Julie and Julia was delightful. I could almost taste the butter. We'll ignore the fact that I came right home and took three pounds of butter out of the refrigerator to bake with. Yeah, I had three pounds of butter, well, four actually, what of it? Now I must make beef bourguignon! Naturally, I can't just make it once and be done with it. No, no, I must make Ina Garten's version and of course, Julia Child's version. Which will result in me needing a panel of judges (any volunteers??) to determine which version is better (or if they're both equally delicious). After the winner is selected, I will (of course) declare it as MINE! Yes, MY version of beef bourguignon! OK, fine! I'll do something special to it to make it MINE. Whatever, I made it. And I'm feeding you because I like you, so shut your pie hole (insert last name here)! Just as soon as the weather starts to cool down and I get stir crazy, it's on! Just for the record, and it will come as no surprised, I've always wanted to make every recipe I have and rate them all to fish out the best of the best. It would be fun to blog about, but I'd be devastated if I were mistaken for a beached and misdirected sea manatee. But you never know, maybe someday I'll get a thyroid tumor that will lead to hyperthyroidism which will kick my metabolism into overdrive. Or maybe I'll get a tapeworm. Ahhh...a girl can dream...

P.S. Does anyone have a copy of Julia Child's recipe? I'm gonna need to borrow that...yeah...

"I enjoy cooking with wine, sometimes, I even put it in the food I'm cooking."--Julia Child

"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet."

2009-09-13T13:40:00.001-07:00

I had an AMAZING time in Seattle. It was sunny and beautiful and just plain fantastic. It made me want to put Seattle at the top of my "I could live here while I'm in school" list. That particular list is one I make on a regular basis even when I have no plans to go to school. It's kind of like training wheels for moving--moving "lite" if you will. There's only one slight problem--I'm solar powered. As much as I hate to admit being spoiled by the perfect California weather, I am. I'm solar powered and I tend to whither when it's cold and dark without reason. I do fine when I'm somewhere with crap weather for short periods of time. I try to enjoy inclement weather whenever I'm in it since I'm exposed to it so rarely. Except for humidity. Princess Wilting Flower doesn't do humidity. I feel like such a wuss admitting to the weather affecting my mood, but it does. I used to get so bummed during the winters in Pennsylvania and then on pretty, sunny days, I'd be all happy, but then bummed out and homesick for California. Maybe that was just my own issues back then. There was a freak March in Los Angeles when it poured rain constantly the entire month. I was not amused. I also happen to be deathly allergic to mold. Maybe a place that's constantly damp, wet, and cool isn't the ideal place for me. The funny thing is, I happened to be in Seattle on a very sunny, warm, perfect day. It made the whole time I spent there beautiful and happy. I should go in February and re-evaluate how I feel about it. Maybe if I went to school there...

Treason!

2009-08-20T01:30:00.001-07:00

I will never use that metal loaf pan for anything but meatloaf again. And even then, I'm not sure I'll be able to forgive it enough to grace it with meaty goodness. The last time I made a pound cake in that thing, it jacked it all up. I thought it was me. But ha ha!! It wasn't! Evil, evil pan! It ate my honey vanilla pound cake that I was going to send to Sheelagh and John and the petit ya-yas (surprise!). So now it's ruined, RUINED I tell you!! And it's a shame too because it actually came out way more badass than I thought it would. I'll make it again! I still have a crap load (appetizing, I know) of butter in the fridge. I also feel rather ill at the moment seeing as how I HAD to taste it to make sure it was good so that the Carletons didn't think I was trying to poison them. I can't eat wheat-y things. I just can't, yet I refuse to accept it. They make me want to rip my intestines out through my belly button every time. Wow, check me out with all my super yummy delicious sounding analogies! That's what happens when I start baking at midnight. Again, me and time, not really "getting" each other.

Metal loaf pan FAIL

The Dumbest Smart Kid I Know

2009-08-18T22:14:00.001-07:00

The text read, "The hornets are in the freezer." To which I responded, "What?! Bugs?!" I was sure that was a typo, but when I came home, I checked the freezer anyway. I found my pyrex tupperware in the freezer with a wasp nest in it including the wasps. A normal person might ask why. Actually, normal people don't find frozen bugs in their freezers. The next day, I asked my brother why freezing wasps seemed like a good idea at the time. He said he thought it was a more humane way of killing them the same way you're supposed to freeze lobsters before dropping them in boiling water. WTF?! How does that make any sense?? Seriously. I pointed out that insects don't have brains and he said, "yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm retarded." Then I told him he needed to get rid of them. His response--would they come back to life after they thawed? Really?? Really!? Did he just seriously ask me if the frozen wasps would come back to life? And where did the frozen lobster thing come from? Today, again, I told him the wasps needed to go. He responded with conviction that they needed three days because they had slow metabolisms. What in the hell does metabolism have to do with anything? What is wrong with this kid? Dead, frozen wasps chillin' in my freezer or anywhere else in my kitchen is NOT ok!

Red Velvet Cupcakery!

2009-08-11T18:02:00.000-07:00

Why didn't I come up with "Cupcakery?" It sounds like a mischievous cupcake. Cupcakery, debauchery. They sound suspiciously similar don't you think? I love it. I was in DC again and very much looking forward to having a cupcake from Georgetown Cupcakes when Susan and I drove past Red Velvet Cupcakery. I couldn't leave it off my nationwide cupcake tasting tour. What kind of researcher would I be?! So in the name of science, we stopped to conduct some research.

Here's the official Julia Bartos Nationwide Cupcake Tasting Tour Review:

Name: Red Velvet Cupcakery

Location: Washington, D.C.

Price: $3.25/cupcake

Stars: overall 2.5/5, red velvet 4/5

The cupcakes were just OK. The frosting was very sugary. Their signature cupcake, red velvet was actually very good. The chocolate and vanilla weren't very balanced in terms of the cupcake to frosting taste ratio, the texture, and flavor. The seasonal cupcake was a blueberry cupcake with blueberry frosting. The cupcake itself was really good. It was kind of a sweet, lemony blueberry muffin. The frosting unfortunately, was way too sugary and was a little heavy on the shortening. Frankly, I felt it was over-priced. The red velvet was the only one that was worth the trip. It wasn't Susie Cakes (Los Angeles/Brentwood, CA) good, but it was up there. Oh, and they had a vegan chocolate cupcake. Unfortunately, it wasn't very good.

The beginning of our research (I don't know how those bites got there before I left the store)...

...45 seconds later

Mint Chip Ice Cream FAIL

2009-08-09T01:57:00.000-07:00

I've been perusing (read: obsessively scouring) several different cooking blogs lately. I find them both inspiring and encouraging. Inspiring in the sense that over and over, the authors are people who enjoy food for the totality of the experience that it can provide. Growing, searching for, and finding ingredients are just as much a part of the experience as is the preparation and finally the consumption. Each step is planned, executed, (in many cases, photographed) and finally shared to create something that acts as a bond between people. Wow, I totally sound like some kind of crazy hippie or something don't I? Whatever, I don't care! I love food and if I feed you, it means I like you. And if I feed you something I think is super duper yummy delicious, it means I super like you, so keep your mouth shut and just enjoy the free food. As I was saying, I also find it encouraging because these people are conscious consumers. At least when it comes to food. The ingredients and recipes are selected with intention for the most part. Even when a recipe is born out of inspiration from a local harvest or just cleaning out the fridge, time and effort is invested into creating something worthy of sharing. It gives me hope that as a nation, maybe we can slow down this fat, lazy, eat fake food that comes out of a box, cow thing we've got going on.

Speaking of fat lazy cows, I decided (after reading a blog about it) that I needed to make mint chocolate chip ice cream. This is the extent of the excitement of my Saturday nights. It would have been more exciting had I not been all ADHD about the whole ice cream making process. As we all know, the limits of my attention span hover right around 45 seconds. So while I was supposed to be stirring and watching to make sure the custard for my ice cream didn't turn into scrambled eggs, I was doing the dishes. I was racing the stove to see if I could finish up all the dishes before it warmed up the custard. I also had a batch of gluten-free chocolate chip cookies going at the same time (God forbid I should do one thing at a time). They were surprisingly tasty, but I digress. So the mint chip ice cream....yeah, I suck. I wasn't fast enough with the dishes and it boiled which caused it to curdle. I strained it, but it was still lumpy. Things were going from bad to worse, so I left it to cool until the next morning. I was hoping ice cream fairys would come and fix it while I slept. Turns out ice cream fairys are no match for the my retardedness. I put the custard in the ice cream maker and turned it on. It had been churning for about 20 min and was looking good. It tasted OK even though the texture was off from the curdling (yeah, a little gross, I know). Then I decided it could stand to churn some more so I left for about an hour an half. I came back to mint flavored butter. The custard mixtue had separated into butter and a gross pistachio-colored watery mess. Ice cream FAIL.

Tupac vs. Biggie

2009-08-01T23:47:00.000-07:00

The sound of waves crashing, a warm breeze across my back, the joyful giggles of frolicking children, the free ice cold towels...wait, what?!? Free ice cold towels? Really? Well Virginia, you totally suck in the driving department, but at least you have free ice cold towels at the beach. The beach experience on the west coast is vastly different from the east coast. It's a little known fact that the Pacific Ocean was named on opposite day. Google it. The waves and currents are bigger, stronger, faster, and rougher than the Atlantic. In Southern California, when people go to the beach, it's a lazy day. It's not usually a production, with the exception of parking. People generally, slap on some sun block, grab a towel and out the door. Maybe pack a cooler with some drinks and sandwiches and maybe bring a volleyball. It's pretty easy going. Or you have people that just walk up and down the sand or bike/run/rollerblade/skateboard on the bike path that snakes its way through the sand. It's really no big deal. The beach is just a part of life. Even in Northern California where the water is freezing and the waves are heavy and mean, it's still not a big deal. The beach is a place to just hang out. On the east coast, it's a totally different ball game. Going "to the shore" is quite the production. There are vacations planned, houses rented, and equipment packed. Families and friends all get together and plan these big trips to trek out to the beach and stay for an extended period of time. This time, my DC trip included a trip to the beach. Susan was hell bent on going to the beach, so we drove down to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. I'd been there before in another life. This time was considerably less infuriating. It was sweltering on the sand and the water was colder than we expected (63 degrees!). After that we headed up to Virginia Beach for the night. It was actually a lot of fun. They had beach umbrellas and big cushy lounge chairs all up and down the beach. AND ice cold towels! Some chick went around passing them out. I don't know how or why we got them, but I wasn't about to start asking questions. I just said, "Thank you very much," smiled and laid back to enjoy the sun and my book.

Then I lost my sunglasses.

LAME!

Good feeling gone.

Someone Better Be Dead

2009-08-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

It's my blog and I can bitch if I want to!

ATTENTION ALL VIRGINIA DRIVERS:

You suck.

Virginia is a lovely state. It's green and lush and full of history. Unfortunately, it seems to be inhabited by people who only have learner's permits or possibly have obstructed vision (it's hard to see the road when your head's that far up your ass). My first gripe--the speed limit. The average speed limit on the highway is 55 mph. Seriously? They still make those? Every once in a while it's 65 mph, but everyone seems really scared of going that speed for some reason. I don't understand how going that slow on the highway is even safe anymore. Gripe two--the people conspiring against me. In general, I'm mellow when I'm driving. I don't yell or swear or make obscene gestures at people. I prefer to use the power of my telepathic mind to silently curse the ass hat cramping my style. The only time I lose it is when drivers decide to line up next to each other so that no one can pass the idiot pack they create or box me in and just hang at my speed for no apparent reason. They are conspiring against me!! I'm convinced these people have specifically been put on this planet to irritate me. Why would anyone just hang out in someone's blind spot or right next to them? Because they're no talent ass clowns! I'm starting to get all worked up just thinking about it :::deep breaths:::. And last, but certainly not least, the blatant misuse of the brake pedal. When someone is pulled over to the side of the road, a safe distance away, with no hazard lights on or any other visible life-threatening issue, why, WHY?!?!, for the love of all things holy do you insist on slamming on your brakes to slow down and stare at said random car? Dude, if someone's not dead or on fire, there is no need to abruptly slow down. It's infuriating to say the least.

But other than that, it's a lovely state.

I'm Not A Real Doctor, But I Play One On TV

2009-07-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

I'm a food snob. OK, OK, I'm a food junkie. I justify it by telling myself that there are worse vices and it's actually a good thing because I share the delicious treats I make. Ugh, I'm such a liar! Well, I'm only lying to myself. Everyone else is like, woo hoo cupcakes! I don't have a specific diagnosed food allergy. Fine!! You caught me!! I make up 99% of my own diagnoses! That doesn't mean they aren't real! Or kind of real. OK, fine, I don't really have tuberculosis or cystic fibrosis. Or anal cancer. And I'm not menopausal. I do really have a meniscal tear though. That one IS real. Now, while it's not "official," I do have an inflammatory response to something in my diet and I've narrowed it down to sugar and wheat products. I get itchy and feel like crap for a few days and a patch of leprosy breaks out on my hand. Damnit! Fine, it's not really leprosy, but it's itchy, and scaly, and gross and it wakes me up at night. My knee also swells up and I can't run. I've discussed this before, so moving right along. Last night around 2:30 in the morning, I came across one of the BEST blogs/sites ever concerning the gluten-free issue. On a side note, seriously, I need to knock off this retarded sleep schedule of mine. It's ridiculous. Back to the gluten issue. So, I found this blog by this chick that is not only well written, but very realistic. In general, when I've looked for gluten-free stuff, I've found a lot of recipes for stuff that sucks or calls for ingredients I have no intention of hunting for. It seems like the gluten-free thing has taken an ugly turn towards the hippie, vegan freakishness I find off-putting. This chick starts with a positive attitude for something that can seem very overwhelming at first and then builds upon that. She offers a lot of great suggestions for a variety of food substitutions and doesn't demonize eggs, dairy, and other animal products. I love eggs, dairy, and other animal products and it makes me sad to hear them spoken ill about. Mmm...meat...where was I? Uh, something about gluten. Oh yeah! Sooooo...yeah, check out her blog if you're interested at all in not just gluten-free foods and alternatives, but creative and simple substitutions for other common culprits of food allergies.

Back to my food junkie affliction, I happened to find the aforementioned blog while searching another favorite site of mine called Tastespotting for brownie recipes, the EXACT thing I should be avoiding. It's food porn. No really, I try not to visit this page very often because it generally leads to a cascade of baking and cooking that I have no business doing in the first place. Or I stay up ridiculously late spazzing over the amazing food photography. Last night's spazzing was particularly concerning though. I've kind of been trying to kick the sugar and wheat again, but then I had to use up the cream cheese and carrots, so I HAD to make carrot cupcakes, and they just happen to be super yummy delicious, so I had to have one (or three). Other than that, I've been doing fine. But last night, I started feeling kind of weird. All itchy and antsy like. More so than usual. Kind of like when you've taken a bunch of pain killers that make you itchy, but even worse. I couldn't sit still and I was getting really uncomfortable. I thought maybe I was just tired, but I still feel like that today. So now I'm thinking it has something to do with either the sugar from the cupcakes or if I need to get off my ass and move more. And on that note, I'm off to workout. We'll see if that fixes things. I'll do that, you go check out Tastespotting.

(And if you're only reading this on FB, go to wwwgypsyqueen.blogspot.com or click on "View Original Post" to link to my blog for the links to these two sites. There is NO . after www)

I Really Need to Run

2009-07-25T10:30:00.000-07:00

The adventures lately have been pretty mellow. It's been a quiet summer so far, but that's about to change. I haven't been running, or working out at all for that matter, and it's starting to wear on my soul. I feel like I'm stagnating. But moving right along, I've been doing a lot of baking. I usually do the bulk of my baking during the winter. Mostly because I still can't figure out how to work the heater. This summer has been really warm so far, which has been a deterrent to turning the oven oven during the day. As a result, my projects have been starting after 10pm. I've never been good about adhering to the timeline of a normal day. I've had some mascarpone, cream cheese, and carrots I needed to hurry up and use, so instead of coming home and washing the primer off, I started cooking. For the mascarpone, I made a super easy pasta dish that cooks up in the time it takes to boil a pot of pasta. I used gluten free pasta and it was surprising not crappy. Even though it was incorporated into the sauce, the pasta itself didn't seem grainy or weird like most pasta alternatives tend to be. I was pleased with the results. Then I made carrot cupcakes. They are some of my favorite cupcakes to make and more importantly eat. They're super easy to make, hard to mess up, and other than the time it takes to peel the carrots, fast to mix up. And frankly, just about anything with cream cheese frosting is delicious. Now, I just need someone else to eat them. I just wanted the one to taste. Oh, and tomorrow, I might make blueberry muffins. I can't think of a better way to use up the pounds of blueberries I have. Except for maybe a blueberry peach crumble. We'll see which one I'm in the mood for later.

Pasta with beans, sausage and mascarpone

1 onion, chopped

1/2 cup mascarpone

1 package of sweet Italian turkey sausage

1 can of navy beans or canalleni beans (I prefer navy)

oregano

salt/pepper

pasta of your choice, though mini shells do a nice job of trapping all the sausage chunks

1. Put a pot of water on to boil for the pasta

2. While the water is coming to a boil, chop the onion and sautee it in a little bit of olive oil until it starts to soften up.

3. Remove the sausage casings and add to the onions. Break up the sausage and let it cook all the way through.

4. By this time, the pasta should be almost done.

5. Add salt, pepper, and about 2 teaspoons to about a tablespoon of oregano to the sausage/onion mix.

6. Drain and rinse the beans and add them to the sausage. Add about a cup of the pasta water to the sausage, then add the mascarpone in to make a creamy sauce.

7. Add the drained pasta into the same pan as the sausage and mix to coat the pasta. Let it sit for a little bit so that it thickens up and the sauce soaks into the pasta.

Carrot Cupcakes

1 cup vegetable oil

2 cups sugar

2 cups flour

1 cup chopped walnuts

3 cups freshly shredded carrots (about 7 carrots)

1 Tbsp baking powder

1 tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp freshly ground nutmeg (which I never have on ha

nd, whatever, I make it work)

1/2 tsp salt

4 large eggs

1. Mix everything except for the eggs together.

2. Beat the eggs and add to the carrot mix.

3. Bake for about 17-20 min at 350 degrees. Will make about 2 dozen cupcakes.

And what would carrot cupcakes be without Cream Cheese Frosting!

3 Tbsp unsalted butter, softened

2 Tbsp solid vegetable shortening

1 package of cream cheese (8 oz.)

2 Tbsp milk or cream

1 Tbsp vanilla

3/4 - 1 cup powdered sugar

1. Cream together the butter, shortening, and cream cheese.

2. Add milk and vanilla.

3. Add powdered sugar to desired sweetness.

This is enough to generously frost all the cupcakes and lots of little fingers.

JBee Bakes!

2009-07-23T17:16:00.000-07:00

It's official! Well, kind of official I guess. My friend hooked up my first baking gig. It was for her boss's 11 year old's birthday party. I made 4 dozen cupcakes and a mini cake for cutting. Half of the cupcakes were chocolate and the other half were yellow cake. It's been a while since I've made regular cupcakes, so I had to make a bunch of practice batches to make sure they were going to be good. The first three batches were a bust and I tossed them. Then I made Guinness cupcakes with cream cheese frosting, which were great, but tasted too much like Guinness for 11 year olds to enjoy. The Malibu firemen were the lucky recipients of that batch. I finally picked a chocolate cupcake and a yellow cupcake recipe that would do. Then after much debate and a few practice frosting runs, I settled on a chocolate fudge frosting for everything. So, it's official. I bake for money. I'm not sure what kind of whore that makes me, but I have business cards like a proper working girl. I was really pleased with how the yellow cake came out, so I'll share that one on here. It was originally featured in a Cook's Illustrated magazine. It was designed to make a little mini cake for two. I've doubled the recipe and it makes a dozen cupcakes.

Cake:

1 1/2 cups cake flour

1 cup sugar

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp baking powder

2/3 cup buttermilk, at room temperature

6 Tbsp unsalted butter, melted and cooled slightly

4 large egg yolks, at room temperature

2 Tbsp vegetable oil

1 1/2 tsp vanilla extract

2 large egg whites, at room temperature

1. Whisk the flour, 12 Tbsp of sugar, baking powder, salt and baking soda together in a medium bowl and set aside.

2. Whisk the buttermilk, melted butter, egg yolks, oil, and vanilla together in a small bowl.

3. Whip the egg whites until foamy. Gradually whip in the remaining 4 Tbsps of sugar and continue to whip until stiff peaks just form.

4. Combine flour mixture and butter mixture and mix until almost incorporated.

5. Stir one-third of the whipped egg white into the batter to lighten, then gently fold in the remaining egg white.

6. Bake at 350 degrees for 15-20 min.

The cupcakes are fluffy, moist and delicious! I should have taken pictures, but I was running late with the delivery.

It's OK, I'm a Professional

2009-07-22T19:11:00.000-07:00

I have recently been fortunate enough to spend lots of quality time with my friends kids. I am the best/worst babysitter ever. The kids and I always have a great time. No one has died, there have been no trips to the ER, there's been no major bleeds, and probably less than a handful of very minor abrasions. I went home with a broken nose once, but other than that, everyone has been returned to their parents intact with no significant trauma. Personally, I think that's a great track record, especially considering the amount of times I've been out numbered by the little monsters...uhh...angels. But there are times when I totally suck as an adult and probably best I don't reproduce. The other day, my friend's kids were messing with each other in the back seat. I calmly told them they were not allowed to kill each other until they were back with their mom. Yesterday, I took over the Lego's and played with them while the boys watched. I told them I was building the bulldozer for them. Riiiiight. Then today, I reached a new low. My friend's son was super excited about putting stuff together in his room. I heard him turn the little mini power drill on and instead of rushing in and telling him to stop, I told him to be very careful because otherwise, we'd have to come up with a really good story to tell his mother. Then afterwards, I told him to make sure he put the drill away and hide the evidence. I also told him make sure to press hard and not strip the screws. That, being my good deed for the day. After putting the drill away, he runs in the house and yells, "I hid the evidence!" Nice work JB. I also did his little sister's toes in a dark, blood red color. VERY appropriate for a four year old. Oh, and I let them eat microwave popcorn for lunch. For no other reason other than it was fun to make. Who wants me to babysit next? I promise, your kid(s) probably won't die.

I Am My Father's First Born Son

2009-07-14T19:55:00.001-07:00

I think my dad might secretly be trying to kill me. Maybe he's finally decided I've been too expensive of a kid and knocking me off would be cheaper. Maybe he thinks I'm his first born son. There is a strong possibility of that. It really wouldn't be all that surprising if he hasn't noticed I'm a chick. So when he gave me a rather large circular sander clearly intended to be used by a full-grown adult male, I was a little confused as to how he thought this was going to end well. I came up with this theory right about the time when I tried to turn the setting on the sander past five and almost plummeted to my death from the top of the ladder. While I am short, I'm by no means a little (I've been known to hold my own during drunken feats of strength). I also happen to be convinced that I can do just about anything (other than math). Still, I wasn't sure if I should be happy that my dad thought I'd do just fine working on his shop or if I should be concerned about his clear disregard for my safety. The sanding eventually got done, but not before I threw a fit about the lousy working conditions and the importance of using the right tool for the job (something I heard screamed at me for years growing up). Then of course, I got a sinus infection from the dust and primer. But it's back to work in a few days to finish the job.

FireFireFire!!!

2009-07-04T23:30:00.000-07:00

I LOVE FIREWORKS!!!

Fireworks are super sparkly and wonderful and I love them! I am not one for planning, ever, but Fourth of July always ends up being awesome. When I was little, I'd lay my head in my mom's lap and she'd cover my ears so the noise wouldn't bother me. Since then, I've had lots of fantabulous Fourth of July memories. Come to think of it, it's the only holiday I have consistently happy memories of. I think it might be my favorite holiday after my birthday. I somehow always end up watching fireworks from unusual or special places. One year I flew into Los Angeles on the Fourth and watched the fireworks from the plane. It was great! Flying home always makes me happy and to be combined with fireworks made it so much more special. This year, I got to watch fireworks from the top of Fire Station 70 in Malibu. No crowds to fight, no pressure to be anywhere on time, and there was dessert. A ridiculous app did get downloaded to my phone (not by me), but it was a small price to pay for the view and the company. Ohhhh...the firemen...:::sigh::: Now I just need to figure out how to get fireworks on my birthday and I'll be set. Whoa, what if there were firemen setting off fireworks on my birthday! It's probably safe to say that's what heaven will be like. Yay for my birthday and America's birthday!

Sprinkles sucks

2009-06-19T23:13:00.001-07:00

Sprinkles Cupcakes in Beverly Hills was my introduction to the cupcake craze. There was nothing but rave reviews and tons of press on them. I was so disappointed when I finally tried their cupcakes. The cupcakes were overly sweet. It really didn't live up to the hype. After a few other lame cupcakes, I decided to take matters into my own hands. I was on a mission to find the best cupcakes in the nation! I went to several places on the Westside and so far, the winner is Suzie Cakes in Brentwood. There are a few places inland that I have yet to try, but they're way out of my way and gas is expensive, so they'll just have to wait to get into the running. The criteria is simple: 1) chocolate, 2) red velvet, 3) vanilla/specialty, plus frosting. Chocolate cupcakes are all about chemistry. They are supposed to be chocolatey and rich without being dry and tasteless. Red velvet is special because everyone has their interpretation of it and there are several different versions of cream cheese frosting. The combination/ratio of both are very important. Vanilla and specialty are grouped together because, in general, when there's a specialty cupcake, i.e. strawberry, key lime, pineapple, etc, it is a vanilla cake base with something else added in. Anyway, this is how I judge the cupcakes and it's worked for me so far. I had Magnolia cupcakes in New York. They get ridiculous reviews. They were by far THE WORST cupcakes I have ever had. I have never, never, EVER thrown out a cupcake or any other baked good, for that matter, in the history of Julia. I threw out the Magnolia cupcakes. I was so angry. There was another place I tried, but by far, best cupcakes I've had on the East Coast were Georgetown Cupcakes. Hot damn those bitches were good! They blow everyone else out of the water so far. They ranked perfect on all the criteria. The cake itself was moist and rich, but at the same time, fluffy and flavorful. The chocolate with chocolate ganache frosting made me weak in the knees. The red velvet was delicate and had the perfect amount of tangy cream cheese frosting, and the speciality...well the specialty ones made me feel all tingly all over. So to date--East Coast, Georgetown Cupcakes are Numero Uno! Followed by Suzie Cakes in Brentwood in LA, and then Kara's Cupcakes in San Francisco. I know I left those out earlier. They are fantastic cupcakes! They are made with organic, local ingredients and each flavor is created with intention and love. No really, you can taste the love in each cupcake, it's amazing. They have a bittersweet chocolate cupcake with dark chocolate ganache and a sprinkling of sea salt. It is exquisite. Yes, cupcakes can be exquisite, just ask me. I plan on continuing this nationwide quest for the best cupcakes. If I come across another gem in another city, I'll be sure to share it.

I'd post pictures, but I can never seem to not eat the cupcakes long enough to get a picture. I usually don't even make it out to the car without breaking into the box. This is why I run.

Hoo-Rah Devil Dog!

2009-06-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

I love mud! Anything that involves getting dirty is fun as far as I'm concerned. So when the Sassy Y asked if I wanted to do the Camp Pendelton Mud Run, I was so in. It's a 10K obstacle course on the Marine Corp Base. It was so much fun! I don't want to brag, but we sprinted the whole thing. We scaled the walls in the mud pits like the agile athletes that we are, barreled up the hills, glided across the lake, and then rather skillfully navigated the low crawl pit. I think I even saw someone off in the distance moved to tears by our athleticism. As we crossed the finish line, arms locked, embodying the true spirit of teamwork, we were greeted with a standing ovation. It was...well, moving really to see how we had touched so many lives. OK, so maybe that wasn't EXACTLY how it went down. Some of us needed a little boost over the walls. And maybe it was more just people standing and cheering at the finish line, but everything else TOTALLY happened.* I did get a really gross, infected blister which required me to do some minor surgery on it, but it was totally worth it. I can't wait to do it again next year! Did I mention that we got hosed down by the Marine Corp fire truck? Yeah, awesome!

*All of that totally happened in the opposite way. Graceful is definitely not the right word to describe what happened. Semi-retarded and highly uncoordinated would be better suited. It was so much fun! We had a blast!

The Gypsy Queen is not currently available. Please leave a message after the tone.

2009-05-23T09:59:00.000-07:00

I'm slipping again. It's getting increasingly difficult to stay positive and not be self-sabotaging. The self-deprecation and sabotage is, as I'm well aware, completely inane, but I can't shake it. It's not until it's too late that I realize I'm doing it or have done it. It bothers me that I'm so comfortable in that behavior. The gravity of everything in my world is starting to make the cracks show again. Usually at times like this I try to do something to re-calibrate, to keep things in perspective. For instance, I'll go watch something disturbing about some third world country or something else that forces me to be thankful for what I have and where I live. That's not working this time. Instead, I'm seeking out the morbid and macabre. I strangely find comfort in that. During the earthquake we had last week, my biggest concern was dinner. Not living, not dying, not the house falling over. I had just walked in the door with dinner when everything started shaking. I grabbed the bag and waited for the shaking to stop and all I could think was, "I'm really hungry. I hope I get a chance to enjoy this before all hell breaks loose." Then I started thinking about how LA is long over due for a big quake, blah blah blah, and I came to the conclusion that I don't really care. Right now, I have absolutely nothing to lose but a roof over my head. So what do I care? The rest is just stuff. Not to mention the HUGE inconvenience of not having running water and a toilet. Yes, there's my family, and it would suck to have my parents die that way, but I honestly don't think my siblings would care either way if I were on the planet. I know how that sounds, but it's true. I'd like to think that will change with time, but it doesn't look promising. I don't like how selfish and defeatist this makes me sound right now. I'm usually pretty good about being considerate of the needs of others and being empathetic (even when I am being a hard ass), but I just can't pull it together right now. I feel blurry. Like I'm fading, not shiny and bright. I hesitate in writing this all down, but it keeps me accountable and makes it harder for me to ignore. I guess in a way, the goal is to look back and see what a giant suck ass I'm being and not let it happen again. This blows. I'm going to watch South Park.

The next set's rolling in...let's ride!

2009-05-17T12:58:00.000-07:00

I think it's starting. The ripple in the force I was feeling is getting closer. I don't know what it is yet, but this is the very beginning. I'm trying really hard not to screw this one up. It's been a challenge to take all the hard lessons learned and put them into practice, but now it needs to happen. I'm stubborn and tend to need to be smacked in the head with something a few times before I get it. This time though, it feels different. It somehow matters more. Not sure why yet, but that's just how it feels. There have been events, situations, people, conversations, "random" happenings that all seem rather intentional. Like this is all supposed to happen exactly like this, right now. Just when I thought I was set in my bitter and angry ways, something happened and the mood shifted. It's bittersweet in a way to realize there might be hope after all. Now that I write that, it seems like a retarded statement to make, but that's how it feels. It's great because new found hope is always a wonderful thing, but it's a little unsettling to let go of something that's become comfortable. Even if that comfortable thing is negative and doesn't serve me. I guess I just found the boundaries of my comfort zone. I was getting too good at being bitter anyway. Time to move onto working at being good at something positive instead. Like playing the drums on Rockband on hard.

Sharing is Caring

2009-05-12T00:08:00.001-07:00

I had an interesting conversation with a friend today. I'm giving way too much credit to the conversation as a whole. It was more just one shining pearl amid a festering pile of seaweed. Whatever, so he asked me what I would want if someone was going to be nice to me. Is this an easy question or am I really that jacked up? I had to put my silly self on pause to give this some thought. I don't really want any "thing" from anyone. Tangibles are irrelevant. What gives them meaning is the value they hold for someone else. Basically, I consider it a kind gesture when someone shares with me something that is fun, special, interesting to him/her that is new to me. When someone is excited about something and picks me to share it with, I think that's awesome. It makes me feel special, worthy even, to be trusted to share in the joy. Even if it's not something I would normally be interested in, the pleasure is in witnessing and sharing someone else's enthusiasm and passion. A friend of mine races the Baja 1000 and I have never hear anyone sound as happy as he did when he called to tell me he was on his way down to race. I could hear him smile. There may have even been a tiny giggle. Of course, there's nothing like the enthusiasm of a child with a new toy or a new accomplishment to share. I live for those moments. This morning, I hadn't even walked through the door of my friend's house when I was greeted with, JULIA!!! LOOK AT MY [LEGO] CAR!!!! Awesome! I don't need flowers, a massage, jewelry, or chocolate.* Wait, I lied. I love shoes. Okay, that's my exception. Custom Nikes give me heart palpitations (size 7, thanks!). So other than that, if you want to do something nice for me, just share. Share a favorite recipe, a book that made you think, a song that made you want to shake your ass like no one was watching, or invite me to try out an activity that makes you feel alive, anything!

*Unless you know an amazing chocolatier you feel I NEED to try because otherwise, I have a truffle place that will ruin you for all other chocolate.

Victory is mine!

2009-04-30T14:41:00.000-07:00

I learned really young that if I wanted something fixed, I'd just have to figure out a way to take care of it myself. My dad also seems to think just because he knows how to fix something, that information is somehow passed down genetically and therefore, I should already know how to fix everything. So now he doesn't really question me when I declare that I'm going to fix something. The only thing is, I'm usually totally making it up as I go along. Today was a perfect example of that. A jar fell into the dishwasher and broke and the garbage disposal stopped working and then stopped draining. I've been living with half a sink for a couple months now and today I decided enough was enough. So I proceeded to get my tools out and dismantled the garbage disposal. I took apart the pipe and detached everything under the sink (it was really gross). I don't know that any of that was actually necessary, but I did it anyway. I cleaned out all the glass and cleaned out the pipe and then reassembled the whole thing again successfully. Nothing leaked and the drain was working again, but the garbage disposal still wasn't working. I reluctantly called a friend who told me what to try. I did it and it worked!! So now I'm taking 99% of the credit. I fixed the garbage disposal all by myself!! The best part was not having to call my dad to fix it. It was much more fun telling him after the fact, somewhat smugly, that I was so cool and that I fixed it all by myself. Had I called him to fix it, it would have been a major fight and a lecture on not letting things fall down into the garbage disposal. The best part was, he didn't think it odd that I was fixing it in the first place. It never occurred to him that I might not actually have any idea what I was doing. So now I'm all proud of myself and I will be putting on my shoes that say, "CAUSE IM AWESOME" and enjoying my mini victory for today.

Ragnar Relay

2009-04-26T18:50:00.000-07:00

My adventures just keep getting better! The shiny feeling from the last one isn't wearing off any time soon. I can't stop smiling thinking about the Ragnar Relay! It's a relay race that was supposed to cover 187 miles, except there was a 32 mile section cut out, but we won't discuss that. It's a sore subject. Speaking of sore...everyone's feeling kind of rough. It was so totally worth it!! Allow me to elaborate. The race started in Santa Barbara and snaked its way down the coast to Dana Point. There were eleven of us (one guy pussed out because he was sick, so being the considerate teammates that we are, we called him and gave him shit). Van 1 was "The Other Van" and Van 2 was "The Fun Van." Guess which one I was in.

There were 105 teams racing and our start time was at 3pm. Our first runner, Steve, really set the pace for how the first half of the race went. He was the only one in long pants, on his phone and not where he was supposed to be. The retardedness escalated from there. The Irishman was the next runner up and we trailed him a bit to watch him pass the Pussycat Doll (some tragic looking woman in a leopard print running skirt, pig tails, and poofy pink hair thingys--ugh, awful!). Naturally, we screamed liked idiots and he flashed us, which sparked the "show me your boobs" theme that carried on throughout the race. We almost got Speed Racer to do it. We could tell for a second she thought about it which was enough for us to chalk it up as a victory. Before it gets confusing, I'll introduce the rest of the characters involved in this debacle--The Fun Van: Free Balls (his underwear are somewhere on PCH and was voted "most likely to be naked first"), 'Stache (the muscle), Speed Racer (she was the ringer), Trouble (no explanation necessary), Smiles (he smiled THE WHOLE TIME!), and me. The Other Van: The Irishman (he brought beer), The Dairy Queen (she had to manually express throughout the race), The Guy That Got Lost (he got lost), Chatty Kathy (he was super quiet and kept looking at me like I was nuts), and Steve. Back to the race, The Other Van was the first to race, so The Fun Van went to the exchange where our first runner was supposed to take off from. That's when The Guy That Got Lost got lost. It wasn't his fault though (course logistic issues). He made up for it when he came running out of the bushes, like "what's up guys?" While we were waiting for him, Free Balls started harassing the park ranger lady because he thought it would be a great idea to commandeer her ranger golf cart thing and go looking for The Guy That Got Lost. That poor woman. After that, we were all alone in dead last and the volunteers were cleaning up cones behind us. It was dark by the time we got to PCH and it was time for my first leg. The vans followed me to make sure I didn't end up a hood ornament on some BMW being driven by an asshole on his phone, drunk on PCH. I felt so loved. Then it was Trouble's turn and he ended up getting a police escort all the way to the next exchange. That was the end of the first half of the race and the part that was cut out. Everyone was given a new start time at Santa Monica Pier where the race picked up again so now we were racing with other people. We were going to dominate!! Before the race, I was talking to a friend about how I was glad I wasn't going to be running at 3 in the morning and how bad that would suck. Guess who the asshole running at 3:30 in the morning up a hill in San Pedro was? After that, Trouble ran the most ass backwards part of the race and we drove next to him to make sure he didn't get lost (or end up in a strip club). Then Steve took off without a vest or a flashlight or any idea as to where he was supposed to go. He called The Other Van no less than a dozen times asking for directions. It's a good thing The Dairy Queen was there to keep The Other Van in check, otherwise, the inmates would have been running the asylum. They wanted to go home and take naps. Like that was going to end well. We watched the sun come up at the Huntington Beach Pier over cinnamon rolls from Sweet Jill's. Mmm...cinnamon rolls... This was beginning of the third leg for The Fun Van. It was a beautiful day and we were all good and sugared up. Bitches were going down!!! We were passing people and taking on the handitards dressed in capes and those stupid green hats. Some guy was running in a thong and a day-glo green hat with pipe cleaner antennas, WTF? Then the 'Stache ran the knarliest leg of the race. Eight miles of hot hills and a headwind. Not only was he the studdliest of all, he also caught a bottle of water Trouble threw to him from the van as we drove by. We are all in awe of the power of the 'Stache. Then it was my turn again and I yelled at the yuppie pedestrians in Laguna Beach to get out of my way. The plan was to run the last quarter mile together into the finish line, but we were going to have to go up and down this ramp, so that quarter mile turned into 30 feet. Yay, we finished together!! We came in 18th overall and 1st in our division!!! We rock! I can't wait to do it again in Vegas this October. Who's in??

Team On The Rag

P.S. Afterwards, I came home, took a much needed shower and slept for 15 hours straight. So awesome!!

Revenge by Chocolate

2009-04-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was doing so well! I broke the cycle and made it a habit. I stopped eating sugar and everything was going great. Then I don't know what happened and now look, I'm back on the sugar! I haven't baked or really cooked anything in so long and the pendulum is swinging the other way. I just love to bake! I tried. I really tried tonight not to make anything, but I had all the ingredients for this brownie pudding thing. It just needed to be done! It's basically a big molten lava cake. It didn't come out as lava-y as it was supposed to because I cut the recipe in half, but WOW! It was so much better than I thought it would be. And super easy too. I love when that happens! When something is so simple to make and whips up in as much time as it takes to heat the oven, that makes my day. This dessert is one I will save for bribes and other evil schemes. It's that good. I'm so glad there wasn't any vanilla ice cream to go with it. This is not helping my swollen knee situation!!! Damn. Oh well, but now I have this wonderful dessert to add to my list of favorites. Oh and as far as the picture goes, yeah, I broke into that thing about 30 seconds after it came out of the oven. There was no time for pictures and now it's just a half eaten tray of chocolate sin.

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

2009-04-20T01:06:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but lately, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing, but it hasn't been on purpose. All of my senses seem to be involved. Sounds of the ocean and birds late at night (when you don't sleep, you get to hear all the insomniac birds) play as the soundtrack in my head. Smells and tastes of the past have come back too. I thought Mago's teriyaki avocado cheeseburgers were gone forever, but I was wrong! The sub shop not 200 yards down the street some how has the same teriyaki sauce that they had at Mago's back in the day and the burgers are almost the same as I remember. That sub place has been there for 30+ years and I never went in. I had no idea all this time they had my favorite cheeseburger patiently waiting for me. My eyes have been playing tricks on me too. There have been several times in the past week where I've looked at something and in my head seen what it used to look like back when I was growing up. Old buildings that used to be new, new places that used to be empty lots, and places that have stood the test of time and flourished. This whole week has kind of been like walking around in the flashback/dream sequence part of a movie. It's been interesting. Maybe this is my brain's way of accepting the passing of time and getting older. Or maybe my brain is trying to jolt the rest of me into being an adult...nah, that can't be it. Actually, I think this is all in preparation for something. For what, not sure yet, but there's a ripple in the force and my brain is getting ready to weather the storm. The subject of "comfort zones" keeps coming up too. I feel like I've gotten to a place where I'm not phased by much and I'm accepting and welcoming of change, so I'm not sure what the boundaries of my comfort zone are. I'll have to give it more thought. For now though, what I do know is I need to get more sleep at normal hours and I need to lay off the rice krispy treats (...she says after eating half a tray of them). I've fallen off the sugar wagon. It's been an ugly relapse. I'm looking forward to the coming change even though I have a feeling it'll be front loaded with obstacles. Big, ugly, nasty obstacles that I will most likely kick and scream through, but get through none the less. Well, I have one thing to say to the universe--and I say it with slightly wavering confidence--BRING IT!

Survival of the Fittest

2009-04-10T15:47:00.001-07:00

At times, I wonder how I ever made it to adulthood intact. I don't know how my mom didn't kill us sometimes. Not that we were bad kids, we were just really noisy and I declared that I knew everything by the time I was four. That should have been a clue as to what was to come. Then there's my dad. He pretty much has a complete disregard for safety precautions. I don't know that he ever considered us kids or just short people living in his house he could use for manual labor. I'm almost convinced I was born because he needed a remote control. Growing up with my dad was an exercise in the survival of the fittest. I learned things like just because you get hurt doesn't mean the game is over and watch where your fingers are before you turn on the power tools. Yes, I grew up playing with tools that I had no business touching. My cousins and I were grand architects. We built a two story house (with a pool), a car, a stage with working curtains over the pool in their backyard, a multitude of Gillian's Island inspired huts, and mazes. We didn't play with fake plastic stuff, we had the real thing. Real hammers, nails, wood, rope, etc. I still have all my fingers and toes and have never broken a bone. That might not seem like a big deal, but keep in mind that when I was growing up violence was encouraged as was jumping off of things into various bodies of water. Much to my mother's horror, my dad bought my brother and I boxing gloves and would cheer us on while we tried to beat the crap out of each other in the living room. My brother would dress my cousin and my sister up in his karate pads and video tape himself practicing. OK, so it was more like he'd pretend to be the Karate Kid and beat them up until he got yelled at. My cousins' dad would tell us to go jump off the roof into the pool. Yes, an adult encouraged us to climb on top of the garbage cans, onto a cinder block wall, onto the roof of the garage, traverse phone lines, power lines, God knows what other lines (did I mention that we were soaking wet?), and then get a running start because there was about a foot or two of pool deck you had to clear to make it into the pool. That's just the tip of the ice berg! Fast forward to adulthood. My dad loves his chain saw like a fat kid loves cake. Now that he's retired, that chain saw has been calling to him, luring him, enticing him to cut something down. And by something, I mean everything. He has been on a killing crusade. No tree is safe. He originally started "trimming" the trees in the front yard. That quickly turned into a celebrity death match between my dad and the trees. That's when I got roped into doing the clean up. The problem was I was standing near the drop zone and as I mentioned before, my dad doesn't concern himself with trivial things like safety. That combined with his chain saw love led to the following--my dad was up in the tree laughing like a little kid saying, "I love this thing!" then the branch fell and a half a second before it hit the ground, he said, "Hey, watch out!" I didn't make it this far without developing some kind of sixth sense about avoiding deadly accidents during home improvements with my dad. The trees unfortunately, cannot say the same. My dad has now cut down every non-fruit bearing tree except for one. I told him he was creating a Communist landscape. He did not appreciate that and told me I was a Socialist.

Home, Home on the Range

2009-04-03T12:55:00.000-07:00

It's time to revisit the food portion of this rambling blog. Recently, I've taken a hiatus from cooking and baking. There's no one to eat anything I make, so it's no fun and I get bored eating the same thing for a week. I've also been eating a lot of raw foods lately which I guess is a different kind of cooking. I have yet to master the art. I've made some truly horrendous smoothies so far. I did bake for St. Patrick's Day. I made two different kinds of Guinness cupcakes with two different types of cream cheese frosting. A taste test was in order to determine which was the better cupcake and frosting. Then yesterday, I got to bake for a friend who had asked me to make cupcakes for her birthday party. I made Guinness cupcakes again and carrot cupcakes. Both with cream cheese frosting. The cupcakes don't taste like Guinness at all, they just end up being really moist and fluffy chocolate cupcakes. Before I started on the cupcakes, I went to this cooking supply store. It's kind of like a Costco for restaurants. They carry all kinds of restaurant and catering supplies and equipment along with tons of specialty foods and hard to find ingredients. It's not all prepackaged fancy crap though. They have a wall of olive oils and vinegars that made me stare in wonder. Then there's different fresh pastas and all kinds of varieties of rice. They also carry quite the interesting selection of beer and sodas and stuff like that. I bought some awesome loose leaf tea, chocolate covered cacao nibs (my new obsession), and this other ridiculous chocolate that made me short circuit when I tried it. I didn't even let myself go near the refrigerated meat section or the cheese counter. That place is my Disneyland. I was so excited. They also have this little cafe right next door. I had a buffalo burger and the most delightfully refreshing ginger thyme flavored Italian soda. But the buffalo burger. Oh my God! It was awesome. I usually don't like buffalo because it's notoriously dry, but this thing was anything but. It was ridiculous. No really, it was just ridiculous. It was this combination of big, bright flavors all layered on top of each other that were wonderful on their own, but yet complimented each other without being overpowering. And as usual, it's not until I start writing things down that I think to take a picture. Right now I'm feeling all inspired to make something, but we'll see how long that lasts. If only someone would volunteer to eat...

Cooties

2009-04-01T19:45:00.000-07:00

It seems to be that little boys and girls don't have cooties anymore. Not that I ever thought boys had cooties, I always thought they were fun to play with. When I asked my friend's nine year old son if he thought girls had cooties, he looked at me like I was nuts and said, "No, I like girls!" It's all downhill from here on out. The other day, my friend's daughters decided I needed a boyfriend. For some reason, ever since they were really little, they've been obsessed with me having a boyfriend. The oldest one, Thing 1, is on at least boyfriend number 37 by now and she's only in the fifth grade. Thing 2 (the middle one) always makes up fantasy boyfriends for me. At one point, she had me dating Jack Sparrow. The ones she makes up are always swimmers, surfers, and soccer players who are smart and tan. That's my girl! She's got good taste, that one. So the other day, she was asking me what kind of boy I liked and I told her one that wasn't scared of me. She just looked at me kind of funny. Then she and her sister decided they were going to find the perfect boyfriend for me if he was in the third grade. So she went down the list of all the boys in her class and decided Seth was the one for me, that is, if only he wasn't in the third grade. Then she drew a picture of the perfect first date with the perfect guy. She made him have dark hair and light eyes and made him a fireman. She also named him Zack and wrote both of our names on the picture. Yup, this is what my life has come to--a third grade match maker.

Rub a Dub Dub, Two Men in a Tub

2009-03-23T17:10:00.000-07:00

Who made up that rhyme and what does that mean and where did they find a tub big enough for two men? Why would two men be in a tub rhyming in the first place? How come no one told me there was a tub somewhere with men in it? I would have happily kicked one of those guys out and kept the other guy company. I shall lament this tragedy later. Right now, I'm happy to inform you that my soap experiment worked! My soap lathers up really nicely and makes lots of nice soft bubbles. More importantly, it feels good and leaves my skin feeling nice and smooth and clean. It smells OK, a little tiny bit off because it was made with lard, but you can't tell it's a lard smell. Just different because commercial soap isn't made with animal fat, so it's not a normal soap smelling soap. It smells like tea tree oil mostly. I was so pleased with the outcome of my soap that I've already bought coconut oil and almond oil to make my next batch of vegetarian soap. I'm really excited to use the essential oils my mom brought back from Egypt to scent the next batch. I'm going to be so clean! Yay for me!

In Memory of JANE

2009-03-17T00:18:00.001-07:00

Who is Jane? Jane was fearless, full of life, energetic, caring, a giver if you will, and just plain fun. She died a untimely death over the seas of the Caribbean and so we carry on her legacy to keep the memory of her love/lust for life alive. She's also happens to be completely imaginary. Confused yet? Yeah, I had the same look on my face. So here's the short version: the boys all decided one year they wanted to have a boys weekend so they made up this guy named John Abrams and decided to fake commemorate him and do the ridiculous things boys do "in memory" of their friend. I don't know what the details are (nor do I want to know) other than there are beads, alcohol, and matching shirts involved. So now of course, it's only fair that the girls have a weekend of their own. Enter JANE. Since John is the guy version, Jane (John's fraternal twin) is the girl version. JANE now stands for the Jane Abrams Notorious Escapade. This year was the inaugural Jane weekend and what goes better with a fun girls weekend than a bunch of firemen? Shamaine and Summer, our fearless and rather creative leaders, hooked up the Palm Springs weekend.

We originally offered to volunteer with the firemen "in honor of Jane," but then decided that lying to firemen was the best way to get into hell so we ditched the idea. We ended up spending the whole day with them. A whole glorious day full of flirty (and unfortunately married) firemen. We went a call with them and then each got a turn driving the tiller (the part in the back). You could not smack the smile off my face at that point and the day was just getting started. We drove around with them and went and got coffee and then they wanted to show off so they took us to where they do their ladder training and put the latter up and shot the water hose. It was so cool!! Did I mention that they were a flirty bunch? Yeah, my favorite kind of bunch. I kept thinking how my friend's son was going to be so jealous of me (as would she for different reasons). Fire trucks are cool, I don't care what anyone says. Even if they weren't full of firemen, they'd still be the coolest ever. Then we went back to the fire house where the Captain continued his rather educational speech on all things fire related. I think he was just really excited to have a new audience. He seemed so happy to tell us everything about frankly, everything. Then the subject of the uniform came up and before they finished the sentence asking if we wanted to try them on, I was trying to fit my foot into the boot. They couldn't understand why we thought putting on some guy's sweaty turn outs was so exciting. They spent most of the time laughing at us. I'm sorry, I'm not a 6 foot tall man, the mask isn't going to fit right! They were just so awesome. We were sad to leave and even sadder that they couldn't come out to the bar with us that night. Shamaine and I kept looking longingly at the door hoping that if we wished hard enough, they'd walk through the door. I even offered to beat the crap out of these two skinny bitches just so that they'd get called, but we were out of their jurisdiction, so the plan wouldn't have worked. But it turns out, sometimes prayers do get answered in the most lovely

way. The next morning, they found the house we were staying at and brought us breakfast! Firemen brought us breakfast! We were all still sleeping when they brought it so Summer answered the door. After they left, she came and told us and Shamaine and I just looked at each other like it was Christmas morning and Santa brought us exactly what we wanted. Talk about raising the bar. They brought us breakfast! I'm ruined! They will be a tough act to follow. Take note potential suitors! Hmmm...I have this strangely overwhelming urge to go set some fires...

Puppy Love

2009-03-12T19:01:00.000-07:00

When you're five, I guess it's understandable that the line between people and animals could be blurred in a sense. The Munchkins (my friend's kids) got a new puppy. The Boy loves this dog. No, LOVES! this dog. He was so excited to introduce her to me. He said, "This is Princess Xena! She looks just like you!" I wasn't quite sure what to do with that. He said it's because she has the same color eyes as me. When I asked again if she looked just like me, he said yes. Insisted in fact. Lovely.

Whoa Nelly!

2009-03-03T02:15:00.000-08:00

We all know how I feel about birthdays. I love love love them! Especially mine! But I do enjoy trying to make the people I care about feel super special and loved on their birthdays as well. It's a celebration of life! It deserves, no demands to be an event! At least in my world it does. My friend, Nels's birthday landed on a Sunday so I decided to drive down to San Diego and celebrate his birthday. Except that he lives in Montana and would not be in San Diego. I thought this was a fabulous idea. Nels was not nearly as amused by my cleverness as I was (that happens a lot) and seemed kinda bummed that he wouldn't get to come to his own birthday party. I mentioned my plan to his friends and it turned into Nellypalusa 2009. In honor of Nels, the plan was to do all his favorite things--shoot guns, drink, and last, but not least, go to strip clubs. Keep it classy San Diego. Of course I was totally in for this night of debauchery especially since my San Diego curse had been broken. San Diego used to be my bizzaro world. Only bad things happened to me when I was down there until I spent the day with Nels and he broke the curse. Now it's fun and Doom doesn't sit in the back seat and torment me anymore. It's a nice change. Anyway, back to Nellypalusa. So on my way down, I called Nels and yelled at him for forgetting my birthday. Fired! He

kept telling me he was going to make it up to me somehow and that he was going to go have a cocktail and think of something. For the record, there is no way to make up forgetting my birthday. First of all, I don't shut up about it so it's difficult not to know it's my birthday or at the very least know that February is MY month. Forget my birthday = FIRED. When I got to San Diego Brian, Nels's bestest, bestest friend, and I drove to the shooting range to meet up with Shamaine. We walked in and SURPRISE!!! It's Nelly!! YAY! How awesome is that? It kind of ruined the whole, ha ha, we're shooting guns and you're not moment, but it was totally worth it. It was so awesome to have him show up to his own birthday party. I love to shoot guns! It's the crazy Hungarian side of me. Loud, noisy, potentially destructive? Absolutely, I'm in! Shamaine and I, being the badasses that we just happen to be, kicked ass and shot better than the boys. In their defense, they are boys and they tend to be easily distracted and Shamaine was wearing high heeled boots. Without or without boots, she's pretty distracting anyway. They didn't stand a chance. After that, it was time to get our drink on. Keeping to the Nellypalusa theme, we went to the Catalina Lounge, Nels's favorite bar, where more friends were waiting to join in the festivities. We were having so much fun there, that we decided to nix the strip club part of the night and get Mexican food instead. Burritos 1, Strippers 0. Per Nel's suggestion, I ordered a California Burrito which came with fries in it. I was rather skeptical about said fries, but damnnit if he wasn't spot on. Now I want fries in all my burritos! I'm so going to end up driving down there for burritos, just watch. We went home fat and happy and ended up watching Shamaine's favorite scene in a "movie." Good times, good times. It was a great birthday party! I hope Nels had as much fun as I did. I had so much fun, I've added it to my Birthday World Tour. And, yes, he's still fired.

Home is Where the Heart is

2009-02-27T03:16:00.000-08:00

I'm home! I wasn't really looking forward to coming home, but once it got closer to me having to come back, I started getting excited. It wasn't so fun carrying half my body weight in luggage down a couple of blocks and then into the subway for an hour and a half, but winter clothes are heavy and I had to suck it up. I must have looked like I was ready to topple over because people steered clear and the guy at the Metro Card thing at the airport rushed over to me to offer help when I was trying to refill my card. It felt good to see, and more importantly, FEEL the sun. My first morning home, I was greeted with warm sunshine on my face. California gave me a hug! I felt so special. What can I say? I'm solar powered! Now it's time to start on the California part of the Birthday Extravaganza! That's right, this isn't over yet!

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breath free..."

2009-02-27T00:54:00.000-08:00

On my last day in the city, I had planned to eat cannolis, go to a Broadway play, and just enjoy wherever my feet decided to take me. Not that this plan was elaborate or anything, but I am severely lacking in planning skills, so I didn't really have high hopes for a successful execution. I walked back to the ticket place from the day before anticipating a long line and was pleasantly surprised by NO line. Woo hoo!! To top it off, they had tickets to the play we wanted to see for cheaper than we had anticipated. Score! Feeling as pleased with myself as I was, I strutted on down the street looking for my next adventure. I didn't want to go home the same way as I got there because I was feeling all confident about my not getting lost in NY skillz. And then, there right next to me, was the Brooklyn Bridge. So, I said to myself, "Self, let's do this thang." And I was like, "Hellz yeah!" And then myself was like, "Word. I bet they have awesome cannolis in Brooklyn." And I was like, "Probably, but I have no idea where, but we don't get lost here, so maybe we'll get lucky and find some." Then myself said, "Hey look! The Statue of Liberty!" And I forgot all about the cannolis until I got over the bridge. Strangely, there wasn't this mass of Italian bakeries and delis just begging me to come have a cannoli or prosciutto. It was a little disappointing. Lacking in instant gratification as Brooklyn was, I said peace out and got on the subway back to Little Italy. Which incidentally is in Chinatown. I found the main drag in Little Italy, a block over from the main drag in Chinatown. In my head, the vision was to sample cannolis from several bakeries and have a leisurely cappuccino as an accompaniment. I knew as soon as I found the main drag, this wasn't where I was going to find the fabled perfect cannoli. No foamy cappuccions, no cute little table under an awning. It was touristy and cliche, but by this point, my blood sugar was dropping and I was quickly reaching the point of no return, so I found this place and got a couple of mini cannolis and a couple other mini desserts to sample. After I ate those, I was pretty much over the whole thing and feeling a little sick. Besides, I've had amazing cannolis and they were in Baltimore. I made my way back to SoHo and walked around some more all jacked up on sugar and wheat. That always leaves me feeling extra retarded and I was having a hard time making decisions so I never quite got around to feeding myself properly. I just went home instead and took a hot shower in an effort to defrost. I reluctantly left the warmth of the shower to get ready for Broadway. Brenda and I watched August: Osage County on the recommendation of the cute bartender at the Ear Inn. It started off kind of odd, but ended up being really, really good. One of my favorite characters had a dry sense of humor, bitter as hell, and sarcastic. She was about as lovable as a baby polar bear wrapped in rusty barbed wire. She made you want to hug her if only it weren't for the pain and all the messy bleeding and the subsequent tetanus. She was a striking look into my own bitter future. I was a little bothered, but hey, at least she was hilarious. I'm going to try to keep her in mind when I find myself slipping into bitterness. By the end of the play, my cannoli only diet caught up with me. I had the beginning of a migraine so we went across the street to Junior's to have a slice of their world famous cheesecake (like more sugar was going to help the situation). Excuse me for a second while I step onto my soap box here. Stop calling things the world's best whatever! Unless you have truly traveled the world and have someone on staff that continually travels around to taste the new stuff that comes around, stop calling your crappy stuff the world's best stuff. Thank you. Now back to the cheesecake. It was just ok. I've screwed up cheesecake that's come out tasting better than that, but whatever, the mission this trip was cannoli, not cheesecake. The best part about the cheesecake was the bartender serving it. Ace from Queens. His Queen's accent was hilarious coming out of his Bangladeshi head. I love how people's voices don't fit physical stereotypes in New York. Like the little Asian guy I walked past earlier that day who was speaking beautiful Italian. There's no one face to represent an American and I love when I get to see American diversity live up to it's name. That, more than anything, makes me feel patriotic. This is one of the few places on the planet that was built on the principle or ideal, however you want to put it, that everyone is welcome and free to express themselves how they want and that inherently invites diversity. While that may be idealistic in a lot of ways, witnessing that diversity in a positive sense always makes me feel so good. Maybe in a way, it makes me feel more accepted for being a mix of things myself. Or maybe it's because it represents something good that makes this country special. But I digress. I had a fantastic time in New York! Yay for Week Three of the Birthday Extravaganza!

Taxi!

2009-02-23T18:03:00.001-08:00

The first mission of the day was to score tickets to a Broadway show. Armed with my trusty iPhone, I started on my quest. It's really hard not to get lost when your attention span is only 45 seconds long and you go left for no reason. After over shooting every street I was supposed to turn on (I kept forgetting to pay attention), I found the ticket place which happened to be in the Seaport. I'd never been to that part of the city. It's a cute little port/dock looking area much like most east coast dock towns. After I found out I couldn't buy the tickets and was going to have to return the next day, I went exploring. I saw this really pretty picture of a Victorian woman and it turned out to be a restaurant. I liked the picture so much, I decided we'd have dinner there that night for Brenda's early birthday celebration. The rest of the day, I walked around SoHo and the Village without getting lost. That, in any other city, would be an amazing feat, but for some strange reason, I don't get lost in NYC. I don't know where everything is, but I always know what direction I'm supposed to be going in. I think I was a cab driver there in a past life or something because there really is no explanation. I am notorious for getting lost. As I was walking around SoHo trying really hard not to go back to the pizza place we went to on the first day we were there, I passed a place called "Pinche Tacos." I thought that was hilarious, so I went in to check it out. The fish tacos were great. Now that I was re-fueled, I decided to head back to the Village to add another stop on my nationwide cupcake tasting tour. Magnolia was the next target. The day before, there was a line wrapped around the corner. I have been on quite the rant about these cupcake places having great PR for a sub-par product. Magnolia was no exception. In fact, they won Worst Cupcake on the tour so far. Awful, just awful. Then it was off to the gym to do a kettle bell class to work off those worthless cupcakes. I'd never done kettle bells before. The class was whatever, but the workout itself was great. My thighs and butt were lit up! Then it was off to Stella, the restaurant I had found earlier for Brenda's birthday dinner. The place was beautifully decorated. Neither of us knew what to expect, especially when it was completely empty when we walked in, but the food and drinks were great. We had a great meal, great service, and more birthday dessert! I'm so celebrating this birthday the whole year.

Wave Runner

2009-02-22T22:05:00.000-08:00

The day after the Official Birthday festivities, Susan had to go back to DC so we headed back out into the rain for more adventures. Yes, it rained on my birthday! It always rains on my birthday and I love it. My mom told me that the day she went into the hospital to have me it was raining and when she came out with me there was a rainbow. I love that story! I personally, have yet to see a rainbow on my birthday, but the rain always makes me smile and feel loved. We had brunch at a little corner cafe in the Village where I got the first birthday candle of the day. Then it was off to the Met to visit my wave. Susan said that it travels around, but that it was currently on display and she wanted me to get a chance to see it. We first stopped off in the Impressionist section where I got to see Madame X by John Singer Sargent. I wasn't expecting to see her, but when I rounded the corner and saw her, it felt like I had run into an old friend. The portrait of Madame X was rather scandalous for it's time and I still think it possesses the same bold, I-don't-really-care-what-you-think attitude it was being criticized for when it was first unveiled. There were other Gauguin pictures that I recognized as book covers. I felt like an ass for not knowing they were Gauguin. Oh well, live and learn. Oh and by this time, I was good and lost. Which is exactly what happened the last time I went to the Met. I am not a good person to go to a museum with. My 45 second attention span loves all the visual stimulus and soaks it all in, but tends to block out everything else, which inevitably leads to me not knowing where I am or anyone else for that matter. I fell in love with some of the Picassos and a bunch of the Degas bronze statues of dancers. I don't usually go to museums, but I love them and I think about going, I just never get around to it. I think I'm going to put that on my list of things to do when I get home. Then Susan found me and we went in search of my wave. "The Great Wave of Kanagawa" is the official name of my wave. It's a picture I have loved for years and identified with. It's me, my symbol. I stamp it on letters instead of a return address. The post office doesn't know it's me (yet),but the people getting the letters do. It made me really happy to see the original on my birthday. Yay for me! Unfortunately, it was also closing time when we found my wave, so we had to rush and the Met kicked us all out into the rain. We walked across a rather deserted Central Park under a grey veil of mist. The whole park had this peaceful, surreal quality to it. It was so quiet. That is until Susan and I started singing like the chick in Enchanted when she was summoning the animals to help her do housework. We went past the boat house and the fountain thing where the little remote control boats are in the summer. I love that part of the park! At the other end of the park we could see all these bright Christmas lights so we walked over to check them out. They were the trees in the courtyard of the Tavern on the Green, the now second highest grossing restaurant in the United States (I don't know who number 1 is). It was sooooo pretty! It was time by then for Susan to start heading back to Virginia, so we turned back into pumpkins and got on the subway home. After Susan left, Brenda and I went to the Ear Inn. It's one of the oldest bars in Manhattan and it used to mark where the water used to come to. The cute bartender was there and chatted us up for a while. It was nice to have a chill evening. We had burgers, birthday pie, Guinness and Boddington's (that was a birthday miracle), and then a free birthday shot. After a wink and a kiss, it was back out to brave the frozen tundra that is the two blocks between the Ear Inn and Brenda's apartment.

The Village People

2009-02-22T09:36:00.000-08:00

The plan was to hang out all day and then go to dinner and celebrate my birthday at midnight. For once, the plan actually happened. Brenda, Susan, and I started off the day walking around SoHo and stopped for breakfast at a cute little Italian cafe. There's nothing quite so nice as a lovely cappucino first thing in the morning with equally lovely company. We spent most of the day walking around and peeking into the cute shops in Greenwich Village. Then it was off to Bergdorf Goodman's and Bloomingdale's with a quick stop in between to visit the world's largest canary diamond (the one in Breakfast at Tiffany's). Since it was Fashion Week here in NYC and it's Barbie's 50th anniversary, Bloomingdale's had a Barbie display set up as a mini runway show. It was awesome! There were women of all ages walking up and down the display saying the same thing, "I remember her! I had that Barbie when I was little!" Mother's were pointing out the Barbies they had growing up to their daughters. They'd stop and smile and you could see it in each of their faces; for just a moment they were little girls again, happily playing with their Barbies. It was really a great experience and I was so happy to have shared it with my cousins. We were so excited, laughing and sharing the stories we remembered when we got to a Barbie we recognized. It was like visiting old friends. So much fun!!! Afterwards, we came back to the village so I could go back to the all natural soap shop. As I was deciding on what scents I wanted my custom body butter to contain, Susan walked up to the door with a huge smile on her face and waved as she drank her Miller Lite out of a paper bag. She rocks! After that it was off to get our nails done so that we'd be pretty for our evening out. As a surprise, the girls took me to Buddah Bar for dinner. I had sea eel with seared camembert on it. I figured it was my birthday, why play it safe? I made that my secret goal for the night. I don't know what our waiter was on or if it was because it was almost completely dark, but he asked us if we were all over 21. He got yelled at. After some late night dancing, it was time for the requisite late night binge. It's just not a proper big night out without stopping for a giant slice of pizza. While we were scarfing down the pizza (OK fine, Susan and I was scarfing like we'd never been fed and Brenda was cutting her pizza with a knife and fork), a lone guy decided to be brave and break the ice. I'll give it to him for having the balls to strike up the conversation randomly. He asked me if I was from New York and when I said no, he asked if I was from New Jersey. Rather insulted, I asked him why he thought that and then proceeded to inform him that he had officially ruined my birthday! A Jersey girl?? What?!? Ohhhh the horror! It's a good thing he was cute otherwise, it would have been a throw down. He gave me a hug and a kiss to make it up to me, but seeing as he was being a dork and blocking the path of my pizza into my mouth, I wasn't having it. It's a good thing I wasn't tipsy. Who knows what demands I would have made to make up for the Jersey girl insult...

Tryin' To Catch Me Ridin' Dirty

2009-02-20T23:19:00.000-08:00

Susan and I arrived in NYC today for the third leg of the Julia Bartos 30th Year Birthday Extravaganza. It only took a half hour to find a parking spot and it's only a couple of blocks away, score! Yes, that counts as a score here. Then we had some great NY pizza (God, I love prosciutto!) and walked around and caught up. Later, we decided to go to the movies and had to take the subway to Times Square. The stop right by Brenda's house, wasn't manned and had no cameras. True to the ghetto LA style we can turn on when it suits us, all three of us piled into the turnstile and went through. After we went through, Brenda told us about the time she got ticketed by an undercover cop for going through the turnstile without paying. The lesson boys and girls: make sure there aren't any cameras or under cover cops around before pulling shady moves. After the movies, Susan wanted to stop and have a drink. Brenda was thinking a fabulous cocktail at the W hotel. Susan was thinking, the Chevy's in the movie theater 20 feet in front of us. She strolled right in and declared, "Donde esta la cantina?" and made a beeline for the bar. If Susan is anything, she's efficient.

Extreme Tetris

2009-02-19T20:35:00.000-08:00

Susan and I always find ourselves in situations where we have to be really creative in order to make our, at some point genius, plan work. We like to think of ourselves as efficient problems solvers. Either that or we suck at pre-planning and just kind of steam roll our way through everything we do. Last night was no exception. The Mission: buy a futon/bed thingy from IKEA for the Spring Retreat (my room/guest room). We drove the half hour to Maryland to go to IKEA, had jumbo hot dogs (gross, yes, but whatever), and started on our bed hunting...20 minutes before closing. After an unfortunate ketchup and mustard incident involving a white jacket, we found the perfect sofa bed. On sale no less! We thought we were so awesome for being such efficient shoppers. We raced down to pick up the pieces from stock and get out since the store was now officially closed. And that's when the fun started. We had to get the bed frame, which was 6 feet long, the rolled up mattress, the cover, also rolled into a bundle, two adult females, and the other crap we forgot to take out of the car before we left into Susan's Toyota Corolla. Surprisingly, we got it all in, although, not entirely legal as I rode laying down on top of the back seat with my legs wedged into the trunk of the car. We are freakin' geniuses! That's just how we roll.

Dolla' Dolla' Bills Y'all

2009-02-16T11:55:00.000-08:00

Week Dos of the Julia Bartos 30th Year Birthday Extravaganza had quite the finale. The week started out with a smooth flight out to DC followed by the best night's sleep I've had in quite possibly the last year. I feel rather victorious over my knee. Susan and I did the same run I did the very last time I ran on hard ground a year ago. I was a little apprehensive, but it went really well. Then there was the aforementioned Georgetown excursion and the cupcakes...oh the cupcakes! After that, construction began. Susan and I got to work on finishing her infamous closet build out. We busted out the power tools and everything and no one lost any fingers. The closet is basically done now with the exception of a couple of cosmetic details. Finally! Then we started on the painting. We painted the whole master bedroom and next we are going to start working on the guest room, otherwise known as Julia's room or "The Spring Retreat" as I have so dubbed it. I'd love to post the pictures of Susan laying on her back, on the phone, rolling paint on the wall, but I'm having a docking issue. Since we've been so diligently working during the day, we've been equally diligent at playing at night. On Thursday night, we went to a hip-hop club that wasn't a club, but there was a DJ and he did play hip-hop, so I guess it counts. There was lots of room to dance and of course, Susan took over the dance floor and schooled everyone. Friday night we had a dinner party and ate heart shaped food. I was in such a good mood, I didn't even try to break all the hearts or stab them with my knife. How very un-bitter of me. Then last night was a great closing night for Week Dos. Germain, Susan's friend, came down from Philly and we all went out to listen to live Arabic music. Arabic singers get money thrown at them and stuffed into their shirts just like strippers. I wore my super hot shoes and didn't even fall once on the brick sidewalks (no small feat). All in all, it was a successful night. All this excitement and the Extravaganza isn't even halfway over!

A Wrinkle in Time

2009-02-13T09:37:00.001-08:00

The best part about my Friday the 13th adventure is that it all happened on Thursday the 12th. I just happen to suck at knowing what day it is. This is why vacation is great! So this week has two Friday the 13ths. Lucky me, I get a do over. Hopefully this second Friday the 13th will be just as fun as yesterday's.

Friday the 13th

2009-02-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

There's only a half hour left in the day and I just realized it's Friday the 13th. Today was an awesome day! I got new running shoes since I'm back in the running game and will be racing come April. Yay for me! New shoes are always a fun time, even if they're for work and not play. Then I went for a stroll through Georgetown and visited all my old friends--Kate Spade, Betsey Johnson, etc. I tried on pants. That was not as fun, but I'm blaming it on the pants! Stupid pants. Whatever, then Susan met up with me and we went to Georgetown Cupcakes. Oh sweet Jesus! I think I've found the Promised Land! I have launched a personal crusade across the country looking for the best cupcakes. These are quite possibly the best ones yet. To say the chocolate cupcake with chocolate ganache was amazing doesn't do it justice. I will be haunted by this cupcake when I go back home. I also had the Key Lime and Strawberry. Both of which were in perfect balance between frosting and cake. I could go on, but I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about them and I might short circuit. After fueling up on cupcakes, Susan and I went for a run around the Potomac. Then we had a lovely home-cooked meal with Dave (Susan's BF). After dinner, I sucked it up and put on real pants so we could go meet up with Susan's friend. The pants were totally worth putting on for the kareoke debaucle that was going on at the bar. About that time, the witching hour started creeping up on us and before we knew it, Dave and I were demolishing cheesestakes. I will most likely pay for that dearly at some point. I feel pretty gross right now as it is. It was a super fun day overall. This rather unplanned World Tour of mine is shaping up nicely.

P.S. My camera is holding all the pictures from today hostage.

Those Student Loans Ain't Gonna Pay Themselves

2009-02-08T02:59:00.000-08:00

Week Uno of The Julia Bartos 30th Year Birthday Extravaganza World Tour was rather successful. I started out with a quick trip to Catalinia Island. The boat ride was great, the weather was great, the hospitality was fantastic, the Super Bowl was fun, the drinks were strong, and the company was more than entertaining. I, in proper Julia form, was an ass. Thankfully, I have awesome friends, which I am blessed to have. This weekend was pole dancing class for Sarah's (second) 26th birthday. It was awesome! I have the bruises and pole burns to prove it. For those still in doubt on what to get me for my birthday, I WANT A POLE! Someone let Santa know too so that we have all our bases covered. Surprisingly, there were no head injuries. Just minor bruising. We are not exactly a coordinated, graceful group of girls and I really had low expectations for us leaving uninjured (especially since there was alcohol involved). I'm seriously considering taking the class more often. It was super fun! Who knew I was such a natural at working the pole? OK, so no one is surprised. Shut your pie holes! I'm so excited for the adventures to come in Week Dos!

From Your Secret Admirer

2009-02-05T15:31:00.000-08:00

Valentine's Day is total crap. It's a holiday designed to feed on one of the worst human emotions: guilt. It's very foundation is deeply rooted in guilt. If you have someone "special," then the holiday is meant to stress you out in order to fulfill some irrational expectations of materialism and commercialism. If you don't have someone "special," then why not just end it all right now because clearly, you have no redeeming qualities and are frankly, unloveable. Actually, the main reason why I can't stand this holiday is because it's official color is pink. Eww. It also happens to encroach on my Birthday Extravaganza plans which is just unacceptable. Therefore, I refuse to acknowledge it. That being said, the act of expressing love to the people that matter most is wonderful idea. Although, I'm of the opinion that it should be a daily act, much like proper oral hygiene and hand washing and not just one one day during MY month (I don't share well). I don't live up to that unfortunately, but I'd like to think that I'm working towards becoming that person. I think about lots of nice things to say to people, they just don't always come out of my mouth (all the retarded stuff seems to make it out just fine). I hope I make up for it through my actions and that the people I care about know I care even when they don't always hear me say it. I was thinking the other day about a friend I've not spoken to in years who's birthday it was recently and just thinking good things in general, like I hope they're doing well, are happy, healthy, etc. Then I started thinking about this meditation practice of sending out positive thoughts and love to people. Kind of like an invisible community bulletin board with posts that you hope the intended audience finds. I've kind of been thinking about it, but it's hard to put into practice when you're mad at people who are being idiots and you feel like the one that's been hurt or it feels like there's so little positivity in your own life to begin with. I try to do it anyway. It's a process. So like my cousin and I tell each other, if you have a bad dream, are having a bad day, or are sad, just close your eyes and say, "Julia loves me," because I do!

Operation 'This Will Not End Well' is a Go

2009-01-30T18:26:00.001-08:00

I'm not sure what I've made, but it certainly wasn't liquid laundry detergent. It's more of a bucket of white chunky stuff floating over cloudy water. I think I got the soap part to work actually. I just have to wait a month for it to cure before it can be used on skin. The laundry detergent was an entirely different story. It was supposed to be ready to be made into liquid detergent after 24 hours. I was too impatient to grate the soap so I just threw chunks in thinking that it would melt in boiling water. It didn't so much melt as much as it became a weird, slimy, foamy, lumpy wet mess. I almost used it to do laundry today, but when I went to stir the mess, it stayed all chunky. It didn't look very promising and I didn't want to risk a slimy washing machine. Maybe in a couple weeks, I'll grate the soap and try it again. At least I successfully made regular soap without any chemical burns. I'm chalking that one up as a victory.

Cleanliness is Close to Godliness PART UNO

2009-01-28T23:24:00.001-08:00

The reason why cleanliness is close to Godliness is because it takes the patience of a saint to make soap. For the love of GOD!!! I have a 45 second attention span! What was I thinking? I fully understand the soap industry now. Making soap sucks!! Correction--making soap for the first time sucks ass! After about four hours, I made my first batch of soap. We'll see what happens tomorrow. It's supposed to cure for 24 hours before I can touch it. Regular body soap needs to cure for a month! WTF!! A whole month?!? This is why I don't make bread. Or anything else that requires me to wait more than 45 minutes. I decided to make laundry detergent because it only has to cure for 24 hours before you can touch it. I figured I could wait that long. I clearly overestimated my attention span. The saddest part is, this morning, when I told my friend I was making soap, he sounded rather concerned for my safety. He asked me (more than once) to please, PLEASE, not give myself a chemical burn. His concerns were valid, me being as retarded as I am, but in spite of myself, I managed not to burn myself. I started this adventure off by applying quite a bit of eye liner. It's how I like to start off every noteworthy adventure. I really did intend to take pictures of this whole soap making process, but as always, life and my plans never didn't seem destined to coincide.

Here are some soap making tips the books and websites don't tell you:

1) Pee first!

2) Mix the lye with the water before melting the fat. It takes forever to cool down and the fat heats up fast.

3) Stand away from the lye when you mix in the water. The books and websites do tell you to do that, but what they don't tell you is that even though you have long ass monkey arms and are reaching from as far away as you can and turning your head away from the pitcher and are outside up wind from the lye, you will still breath it in and feel bad about killing lung tissue.

4) Pee again.

5) DO NOT use a cardboard box as a mold. They leak and are very hard to move gracefully. Just suck it up and get a cat litter box or something.

Tomorrow we'll see how well this all turns out...

"Every time we chose safety, we reinforce fear"

2009-01-27T02:24:00.000-08:00

On the subject of fear: it should be faced head on, examined, understood, and then let go.

I've heard this basic principle often. The more I understand what it means, the harder it becomes to put into practice. I've always considered myself somewhat fearless. I've now come to realize, and it is humbling at times, that it wasn't until I felt challenged that my fearlessness was tested. But this isn't about what I fear or how I feel about it. This is about seeking out fear. Kind of like how people go to horror movies to get scared because it's fun, except totally different because it's not exactly fun. I don't know why I do this, but I do and it's always during my witching hour (the hour or two where evil posses me and things go awry). I seek things out that are scary and unusual under the guise of a learning opportunity. These are things that I wouldn't necessarily encounter in my daily life that challenge how I view the world. I think this is my over-active imagination's way of exercising itself. Unfortunately, the rest of me has to go along for the ride and I end up all freaked out. For example, the other day, I was inspired by a friend who is trying to get pregnant and one that is about to pop (Hi Sheelagh!) so I looked up natural birth videos and stuff like that. I managed to work myself into a mild panicked state. It's not like this is an impending decision. In fact, I may never have the opportunity to even make that decision, but did that stop me from totally freaking out? Rationally, yes. Actually, no. You just can't un-see natural childbirth. It's totally awesome, but completely horrifying at the same time. Why do I do this to myself? I am so retarded! I'm reading an anthology of horror stories. Yes, of course before bed. And yes, I did end up having a nightmare about dead body parts touching me as I swam in a lake. Last night I watched, "Rape in the Congo." Talk about feeling like an asshole for bitching about student loans and silly boys. Thank God for the problems I have! In fact, I could probably stand to have a few more. That kick in the teeth from Perspective was just what I needed though. I needed that insight right at that exact moment.

This isn't very adventury. And it's not very gypsy. I'll work on that.

25 Random Things

2009-01-26T00:12:00.000-08:00

My friend Karen tagged me for this 25 Random Things About Me note. I'm supposed to do it as a note in Facebook, but instead of reading the directions on how to do it properly, I'm doing it my way!

1. I don't always follow directions well (I kind of gave that one away already).

2. I'm actively making efforts to eliminate the amount of chemicals I am exposed to in my home and on a daily basis, but I refuse to give up nail polish and nail polish remover and I refuse to use the natural nail polish remover.

3. I suck at directions and always go left when in doubt, but strangely, I don't get lost in NYC.

4. I love to travel and have packing down to an art. I can be pack and ready to go just about anywhere in 20 minutes.

5. I'm kind of obsessed with customized Nikes. I have a pair that reads, "Cause I'm Awesome"

6. I'm easily distracted by shiny things and I have to touch everything.

7. The only things I have cravings for are red meat and lemony delicious things.

8. I don't usually dream, but when I do 97% of the time, it's a nightmare or something else that makes me sad.

9. I used to do yoga with Lisa Bonet.

10. I don't get grossed out by blood and guts. I used to get so hungry during anatomy lab.

11. My feet are continuously cold from mid-October to early March.

12. I cannot be left unsupervised in kitchen specialty shops or REI.

13. My birthday is the most important/best day of my year.

14. I have a TV in my fireplace.

15. I'm a decent shot.

16. I used to have an extensive Nalgene bottle collection that I have since had to re-purpose. They now house homemade cleaners.

17. I've driven across the country both N-S and W-E five times. I've driven through 40 states.

18. Shel Silverstein is my favorite poet.

19. I get ridiculously pissed off and angry at hair club for men commercials to the point where I yell obscenities at the TV.

20. I spoke Hungarian when I was really little and Spanish was the first language I spoke.

21. I've driven 5 hours for an ice cream sundae. I'm committed to good food.

22. I've never broken a bone, had surgery, been hospitalized, or unconscious.

23. I'm a sucker for boys with green eyes. Ugh! They're freakin' kryptonite.

24. I do all my own car maintenance.

25. My first try at Wii Fit, my age was 41. What?!